I wrote another post a week or so ago, but didn't post it. It was too emo.
Anyway, not much up with me lately. Thanks to my Secret Santa, I've added another tea to the collection. I like it a lot. It's a jasmine green tea. Yummy. I actually made a pot of water in my electric kettle, courtesy of my parents for my birthday, and had like 8 cups before bed :) .
I'm going home for break here pretty soon. I just need to clean my apartment and take care of some little things. All my Christmas shopping is done except for Doug and Casey E, which, well, I'll figure that out. And I need to do my laundry. C'est la vie. And mail two packages. See, I said little things, didn't I?
Well then, Goodbye,
Sarah
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
TSP 40
I didn't post this because I thought it was too personal, but that's what this is about isn't it? Charlie requested that I confide in him about what it was about, and I decided to post it after all.
Last Tuesday's Entry that I didn't Post:
I have pushed everyone in my life away. I am so effective at it that only five people remembered my birthday was yesterday - my boyfriend, my roommate, my mom, my sister, and my dad. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and I was so very successful. Funny how what we want is sometimes exactly opposite from what we do. I planned a team dinner for the NAMI walk - it was a fund-raiser thing. I invited 59 people thinking that even though they didn't know it was my birthday, some would show up, and I could be surrounded by people. 3 people showed up - my roommate, me, and my boyfriend. I was really hurt.
Do any of you know what its like to live with major depressive disorder? I tell everyone that I do the walk for my sister. Ha. I do it for myself. I do it for every one of you that I can't tell that I have this horrible depression. I do it for every time that I run a self-inflicting harmful scenario with myself in my head, for every time that I didn't get enough sleep or I was so stressed that I would feel mentally and physically that killing myself would take it all away, for every moment that I want to enjoy myself doing things that I love and I just sit there wishing I was in bed. That's why I care so much about this. About helping those that have it. About telling them that they can live with it - so I know that I can too.
Ever since my freshman year of college when everything fell apart so drastically, when I hit rock bottom, over a year ago, I've been trying to climb myself out of this thing that I only wished that I could put a name on.I tried therapy and it helped, but it felt so pointless. I am still trying to think myself out of it, by being positive. I try not to write about it in this blog. I try not to talk about it. Its like, if I don't say it, it won't be true. That is such terrible thinking.
I have so much to do. I need to finish these finals.
I do want to thank all of you that have been and are here for me. I appreciate all of you and my relationships with you. I'm really stressed and really tired and I'm writing out of a tired depressed place. Please don't think that I define myself this way. This is simply one truth that I myself must realize and cope with. I am completely capable of a normal life, of having friends. And I do. I have many of you. I'm also not on the verge of doing anything dumb, so don't worry about me that way either. I just needed to get this all out. To cry it out, so that I can move on and dedicate my thoughts to my tests on Thursday. So thank you for listening.
Goodnight,
Sarah
Last Tuesday's Entry that I didn't Post:
I have pushed everyone in my life away. I am so effective at it that only five people remembered my birthday was yesterday - my boyfriend, my roommate, my mom, my sister, and my dad. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and I was so very successful. Funny how what we want is sometimes exactly opposite from what we do. I planned a team dinner for the NAMI walk - it was a fund-raiser thing. I invited 59 people thinking that even though they didn't know it was my birthday, some would show up, and I could be surrounded by people. 3 people showed up - my roommate, me, and my boyfriend. I was really hurt.
Do any of you know what its like to live with major depressive disorder? I tell everyone that I do the walk for my sister. Ha. I do it for myself. I do it for every one of you that I can't tell that I have this horrible depression. I do it for every time that I run a self-inflicting harmful scenario with myself in my head, for every time that I didn't get enough sleep or I was so stressed that I would feel mentally and physically that killing myself would take it all away, for every moment that I want to enjoy myself doing things that I love and I just sit there wishing I was in bed. That's why I care so much about this. About helping those that have it. About telling them that they can live with it - so I know that I can too.
Ever since my freshman year of college when everything fell apart so drastically, when I hit rock bottom, over a year ago, I've been trying to climb myself out of this thing that I only wished that I could put a name on.I tried therapy and it helped, but it felt so pointless. I am still trying to think myself out of it, by being positive. I try not to write about it in this blog. I try not to talk about it. Its like, if I don't say it, it won't be true. That is such terrible thinking.
I have so much to do. I need to finish these finals.
I do want to thank all of you that have been and are here for me. I appreciate all of you and my relationships with you. I'm really stressed and really tired and I'm writing out of a tired depressed place. Please don't think that I define myself this way. This is simply one truth that I myself must realize and cope with. I am completely capable of a normal life, of having friends. And I do. I have many of you. I'm also not on the verge of doing anything dumb, so don't worry about me that way either. I just needed to get this all out. To cry it out, so that I can move on and dedicate my thoughts to my tests on Thursday. So thank you for listening.
Goodnight,
Sarah
Sunday, December 13, 2009
TSP 38
For I have felt your warm touch against my soft smooth skin. Your nose as it brushes past my ear when you lean in to hug me is a constant comfort to my ever-burdened head. The more I hate the things you do the more I love you for doing them. I could wait my entire life for the moments that you steal my hand to hold, that you brush my hair away from my face to stare into my eyes, that you let me fall asleep on your shoulder during a show. When you hold me between your arms I wish that time itself would stop and that I would never have to watch you leave. When time doesn't stop, I'm angry at the world for depriving us of any more seconds we could have spent together. You get frustrated with me, because it seems that I am never satisfied with the time you have. And it is true, I am frustrated that time itself does not yield longer to my will. And I get overly agitated at the little humorous things you say, because I have known the moments of quiet you have when you are content with me. Your humor, however, has mended my broken heart and shown me love which I have never before felt. In less time with you, I am more happy, more devoted, and more open about myself than I could have ever been in 100 years with someone else. To you I expose myself, like delicate film to whatever the environment has to give. My character develops slowly and intricately into a true form of my own unaffected by others I so fear with an anxiety of the expectations of social acceptance. I do not have to blend in for you, I can bloom as something no one else has ever seen. I treasure you, my best friend. I love you. The only thing in return I want is your happiness. Your love I hope to earn. Goodnight. And sweet dreams.
Friday, December 11, 2009
TSP 37: Dreaming
It's about the time from me to actually write another decent entry into this social, mental, and emotional project that is my life. I've been to distracted lately from what I love by the obligations of school, which is really just my work, seeing as it pays $13,000 every year. Regardless, I'm taking a break. Right now, I am supposed to be writing an Annotated Bibliography on three scientific articles relating to Genetics. I have the articles. I cited them. Now I just have to read them, write the paper, and make it to class at 10:30 am. The last one this semester. I probably won't sleep at this point. I would like to reaffirm that my school tasks are NOT major points of who I am - except, well this one is about the relationship between altered genes and the instances of mental illness. Which is really cool, and applies to both myself and to my sister, my uncle, and well, you get the picture. But other than that, I'm not what Kirby Ann calls a "schoolie" - at least not at heart.
So what have I really been up to lately? I've been daydreaming, and dreaming dreaming of getting back into ceramics. I literally have three projects planned already, along with no wheel, no clay, no tools, and no kiln. It doesn't matter. When I'm sitting in Genetics or Organic Chemistry or, especially, Jazz Appreciation (none of which I have to sit through until next semester, Thank God!) I'm really in the studio. I've even decorated the studio itself in my mind. It is a light greenish blue, like Korean celadon, with a red vase on the windowsill containing a single orange (plain, not tiger) lily within it. There are photographs framed on the walls of things that I love, that keep me calm, that help me center my life. My Mom and Dad together in their jammies, the portrait I took this semester of my boyfriend, old past family pets. My Alaskan Malamute best friend is sitting in the corner on his pillow relaxing. I have a small stove in another corner - a tea kettle purrs softly on it as it begins to boil. My tea closet - literally an amour filled to the brink with hundreds of different types of tea, honey, and sweetener filling it, lies to the left of the stove. The whole place is calm. Maybe I'm burning some sandalwood, maybe I'm not. There is a small desk and a tall Queen-sized bed on upper level - it's a split level studio did I mention that? That room is blue - New Mexico sky blue. On the desk there is a copy of Emma, The Neurotics' Handbook, and some pencils. All the floors are hardwood. The upper level has a fireplace. There is no other soul in site but Annelia, my dog. No one bothers me, no one expects me to have pictures of my sister, no one asks questions I don't want to answer. There are no tissue boxes because they aren't needed. In the summer, I'll raku some of my pottery on the porch, in the winter I'll cuddle up to the fire with Annelia, Mr. Darcy, and coco. But for right now, I'm just making another tea kettle from stoneware on my wheel. I watch it as it turns round and round, and I'm content.
If I were to describe my actually life to you right now, or my apartment in the "we have finals" state that its in - it would pail in comparison to my studio loft. I would be inclined to tell you that not only am I tired, but my back aches so bad that it keeps me awake, that my migraines consume my thoughts, that my schoolwork is almost done but not quite which makes me inclined not to do it, that the stress gives me stomach aches, and that I sleep on a mattress/boxspring combo laid right on the floor. But more importantly I would tell you that in this world, I'm not calm, content, or happy. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm disappointed. And I keep making the exact same mistakes. I may be lucky, but if you think I'm smart - reconsider. In love, in friendship, in other relationships I fail miserably. So I'll retreat into my own mind and dream.
Which begs the question, if you have dreams, why do you have them, my listeners? Would it be better not to dream but to live those hopes and goals?
Sincerely,
Sarah
So what have I really been up to lately? I've been daydreaming, and dreaming dreaming of getting back into ceramics. I literally have three projects planned already, along with no wheel, no clay, no tools, and no kiln. It doesn't matter. When I'm sitting in Genetics or Organic Chemistry or, especially, Jazz Appreciation (none of which I have to sit through until next semester, Thank God!) I'm really in the studio. I've even decorated the studio itself in my mind. It is a light greenish blue, like Korean celadon, with a red vase on the windowsill containing a single orange (plain, not tiger) lily within it. There are photographs framed on the walls of things that I love, that keep me calm, that help me center my life. My Mom and Dad together in their jammies, the portrait I took this semester of my boyfriend, old past family pets. My Alaskan Malamute best friend is sitting in the corner on his pillow relaxing. I have a small stove in another corner - a tea kettle purrs softly on it as it begins to boil. My tea closet - literally an amour filled to the brink with hundreds of different types of tea, honey, and sweetener filling it, lies to the left of the stove. The whole place is calm. Maybe I'm burning some sandalwood, maybe I'm not. There is a small desk and a tall Queen-sized bed on upper level - it's a split level studio did I mention that? That room is blue - New Mexico sky blue. On the desk there is a copy of Emma, The Neurotics' Handbook, and some pencils. All the floors are hardwood. The upper level has a fireplace. There is no other soul in site but Annelia, my dog. No one bothers me, no one expects me to have pictures of my sister, no one asks questions I don't want to answer. There are no tissue boxes because they aren't needed. In the summer, I'll raku some of my pottery on the porch, in the winter I'll cuddle up to the fire with Annelia, Mr. Darcy, and coco. But for right now, I'm just making another tea kettle from stoneware on my wheel. I watch it as it turns round and round, and I'm content.
If I were to describe my actually life to you right now, or my apartment in the "we have finals" state that its in - it would pail in comparison to my studio loft. I would be inclined to tell you that not only am I tired, but my back aches so bad that it keeps me awake, that my migraines consume my thoughts, that my schoolwork is almost done but not quite which makes me inclined not to do it, that the stress gives me stomach aches, and that I sleep on a mattress/boxspring combo laid right on the floor. But more importantly I would tell you that in this world, I'm not calm, content, or happy. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm disappointed. And I keep making the exact same mistakes. I may be lucky, but if you think I'm smart - reconsider. In love, in friendship, in other relationships I fail miserably. So I'll retreat into my own mind and dream.
Which begs the question, if you have dreams, why do you have them, my listeners? Would it be better not to dream but to live those hopes and goals?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 36
We sometimes feel that we have been really understood, but it was always long ago, by someone now dead. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
Music cleanses the understanding; inspires it, and lifts it into a realm which it would not reach if it were left to itself. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis
When the news reporter said "Shopkeepers are opening their doors bringing out blankets and cups of tea" I just smiled. It's like yes. That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. You've just been told you've got cancer? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? Tea dammit! And if it's really serious, they may bring out the coffee. The Americans have their alert raised to red, we break out the coffee. That's for situations more serious than this of course. Like another England penalty shoot-out. ~Jslayeruk, as posted on Metaquotes Livejournal, in response to the July 2005 London subway bombings
Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown
I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951
I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel
I hate women because they always know where things are. ~Voltaire
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894
Music cleanses the understanding; inspires it, and lifts it into a realm which it would not reach if it were left to itself. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis
When the news reporter said "Shopkeepers are opening their doors bringing out blankets and cups of tea" I just smiled. It's like yes. That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. You've just been told you've got cancer? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? Tea dammit! And if it's really serious, they may bring out the coffee. The Americans have their alert raised to red, we break out the coffee. That's for situations more serious than this of course. Like another England penalty shoot-out. ~Jslayeruk, as posted on Metaquotes Livejournal, in response to the July 2005 London subway bombings
Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown
I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951
I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel
I hate women because they always know where things are. ~Voltaire
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Sarah Project 35
I was going to write something insightful about music and something complaining about how tired, lonely, sad, and miserable I am during finals, but I'm too tired.
Thank you Charlie, for helping me with my project today. And thank you God, for giving me hands capable of writing that journal I procrastinated. It took 6 solid hours. Thank you to my teachers who have canceled class this week, or at least tried to teach me something this semester and kept it real all the time. Thank you everyone for putting up with me grumpy and whiny, I need you, I truly do.
Now, on to that project some more and my test tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Sarah
Thank you Charlie, for helping me with my project today. And thank you God, for giving me hands capable of writing that journal I procrastinated. It took 6 solid hours. Thank you to my teachers who have canceled class this week, or at least tried to teach me something this semester and kept it real all the time. Thank you everyone for putting up with me grumpy and whiny, I need you, I truly do.
Now, on to that project some more and my test tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Sarah
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 34
Its Finals time. A time that seems most stressful out of the whole semester. As we struggle to finish assignments, do everything we procrastinated on up till this point, and study for Final tests, the student world can't enjoy the cold weather, Christmas spirit, good food, and holiday music. Classes are canceled as teachers struggle (5 of mine this week were canceled) to finish up before the holidays themselves.
Chaos ensues.
And let it. This is where I conquer!!!
And I'm turning 20.
So bring it on.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Chaos ensues.
And let it. This is where I conquer!!!
And I'm turning 20.
So bring it on.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Sarah Project: # Whatever
Crying away the disappointment, rejection, and fear that comes with life.
Sarah
Sarah
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Sarah Project: 31
I love tea. Looseleaf tea, bagged tea, hot tea, cold tea. I <3 tea.
Life is CRAZY.
Tea is saving me.
School, family, friends, boyfriend, holidays, headaches, movies, music. These things dominate my life.
I must go.
Goodnight.
Love,
Sarah
Life is CRAZY.
Tea is saving me.
School, family, friends, boyfriend, holidays, headaches, movies, music. These things dominate my life.
I must go.
Goodnight.
Love,
Sarah
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 30 Depressed Doctor Sarah
It's been a hell of a week. Mostly fun, but exhausting. I made $330 at a bake sale for the Biology Undergraduate Society. The bake sale was super successful, but I was up half the week baking until very late in the night. I actually went to bed one night and left the last batch of cookies in the oven - its fair to say that I've never seen that much smoke in one place ever. Our smoke alarm doesn't work. Terrible way to find out. Luckily, no harm was done. I didn't burn the apartment down.
On this note, I haven't written this past week; I just haven't had time. It also turns out that I'm having another "down" week. Well, a very very down day today. I meant to get stuff done - but I'm just glad that I got out of bed and ate. I also watched like 8 hours of T.V. Oh Goodness. I think I'll tell you all more about the "down" part of me when I'm more ready.
In other news, my heart goes out to a dear friend who's mother past away last weekend. You know who you are, and you know that I am here for you. Always.
Also, I have decided that I want to be a pharmacist. I'm sure this time. So, the plan is to get my Bachelor's in Biology and Math, while finishing the pharmacy prerequisites, and applying Fall 2012 to the Doctorate program. This time it feels right. I'm happy but also a little daunted by the work load. However, by the time I am 26 years old, I will have my PhD in Pharmacy. Doctor Sarah. :-) At least, hopefully. We'll see won't we?
This also means, that I'm probably going to stay in New Mexico through the next six years. I never thought I'd stay here so long. But I'm not only finding out who I am, but who I want to be. I don't want to run away anymore. Its not an option. And then there's Casey. Adorable, sweet, caring Casey. He isn't afraid of talking about the future. Like he puts it - "I'm not sure where this is going or what the future will bring, but I can see it working out. So talking about the future doesn't scare me or bother me." He is one of the greatest things to happen to me. If we break up, I'll just be happy that I know that there are decent men in the world. He has never misled me, he has never lied to me, and he has never promised me anything. He wants to know me. Not what he thinks I am, or what he wants me to be, but who and what I really am. We've been together for more than six months now, and whatever I thought about love - my perceptions have changed 100%. This relationship is different than anything I've experienced before. While I'm not making any future plans in the love department, I am making all my plans based on me, now, and what I want. And I have support.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sarah
On this note, I haven't written this past week; I just haven't had time. It also turns out that I'm having another "down" week. Well, a very very down day today. I meant to get stuff done - but I'm just glad that I got out of bed and ate. I also watched like 8 hours of T.V. Oh Goodness. I think I'll tell you all more about the "down" part of me when I'm more ready.
In other news, my heart goes out to a dear friend who's mother past away last weekend. You know who you are, and you know that I am here for you. Always.
Also, I have decided that I want to be a pharmacist. I'm sure this time. So, the plan is to get my Bachelor's in Biology and Math, while finishing the pharmacy prerequisites, and applying Fall 2012 to the Doctorate program. This time it feels right. I'm happy but also a little daunted by the work load. However, by the time I am 26 years old, I will have my PhD in Pharmacy. Doctor Sarah. :-) At least, hopefully. We'll see won't we?
This also means, that I'm probably going to stay in New Mexico through the next six years. I never thought I'd stay here so long. But I'm not only finding out who I am, but who I want to be. I don't want to run away anymore. Its not an option. And then there's Casey. Adorable, sweet, caring Casey. He isn't afraid of talking about the future. Like he puts it - "I'm not sure where this is going or what the future will bring, but I can see it working out. So talking about the future doesn't scare me or bother me." He is one of the greatest things to happen to me. If we break up, I'll just be happy that I know that there are decent men in the world. He has never misled me, he has never lied to me, and he has never promised me anything. He wants to know me. Not what he thinks I am, or what he wants me to be, but who and what I really am. We've been together for more than six months now, and whatever I thought about love - my perceptions have changed 100%. This relationship is different than anything I've experienced before. While I'm not making any future plans in the love department, I am making all my plans based on me, now, and what I want. And I have support.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Sarah Project Day 29: Muh
I'm lonely in the friends way, eating chicken, a box of cookies, and drinking juice working on an assignment due at midnight.
Feeling Sad,
Sarah
Feeling Sad,
Sarah
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 28 ~ Famous For Her Analogies~
Love is like oatmeal, when it's new, its so warm, inviting, yummy. Stir it up a bit or microwave it too long and you get lumps, then it dries up really fast. If you take care of it, and don't eat it all at once, it can be the best gift in the whole world. But if you abuse it you're stuck with dried up crusty oatmeal that sticks to you like cancer cells.
Love is also like jello. When you find it, it is so hard to hold on to. It escapes your fingers lickedysplit! Some people put it in a bowl, others eat it up so fast it was like it was never there. Some people share it out of large casserole dishes with everyone they meet. Others take so long setting the jello that when its done they can't eat it, or share it, it just sits in the fridge and rots into Hitler.
Love can also be like a bicycle - when everything is working smoothly it takes you places you need to go. However, when one thing is off, it dumps you in a place you don't recognize and you're lost until you figure out a way to walk, or crawl, yourself home.
Love can also be like a blog. Always there to talk to, never does a thing to hurt you that you didn't do yourself, connects you with people that you want to know, and is ALWAYS right at your fingertips.
Then again,
Love could just be love -
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
9. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
10. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
11. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
~Dictionary.com
Funny thing is ~ We get to decide.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Love is also like jello. When you find it, it is so hard to hold on to. It escapes your fingers lickedysplit! Some people put it in a bowl, others eat it up so fast it was like it was never there. Some people share it out of large casserole dishes with everyone they meet. Others take so long setting the jello that when its done they can't eat it, or share it, it just sits in the fridge and rots into Hitler.
Love can also be like a bicycle - when everything is working smoothly it takes you places you need to go. However, when one thing is off, it dumps you in a place you don't recognize and you're lost until you figure out a way to walk, or crawl, yourself home.
Love can also be like a blog. Always there to talk to, never does a thing to hurt you that you didn't do yourself, connects you with people that you want to know, and is ALWAYS right at your fingertips.
Then again,
Love could just be love -
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
9. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
10. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
11. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
~Dictionary.com
Funny thing is ~ We get to decide.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 27
I've been dating my boyfriend, for six months officially as of yesterday.
I have two more tests this week, and the migraine that I had the last three days made me really grumpy. Honestly, school is tiring. The thing is - straight As pulled off before, so shouldn't I want to get them again? It will be profitable. However, I'm really burnt out and I have been for a long time. I want to work on something. A job, but only a satisfying one. Idk. Hopefully we will see about this need to feel like I'm contributing to a success of some sort. I'm no longer getting that from school. I just want a break.
Speaking of breaks, I've been thinking for awhile now that I need a vacation. I haven't decided where to yet, or whom with, or if its even plausible, but we will see. The tropics sound so nice.
I wish that I had something creative to say, or show, but I don't. I'm simply programming away. Got to love Matlab.
Will write soon,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Stress is an evil booger. Let's pick it!
I have two more tests this week, and the migraine that I had the last three days made me really grumpy. Honestly, school is tiring. The thing is - straight As pulled off before, so shouldn't I want to get them again? It will be profitable. However, I'm really burnt out and I have been for a long time. I want to work on something. A job, but only a satisfying one. Idk. Hopefully we will see about this need to feel like I'm contributing to a success of some sort. I'm no longer getting that from school. I just want a break.
Speaking of breaks, I've been thinking for awhile now that I need a vacation. I haven't decided where to yet, or whom with, or if its even plausible, but we will see. The tropics sound so nice.
I wish that I had something creative to say, or show, but I don't. I'm simply programming away. Got to love Matlab.
Will write soon,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Stress is an evil booger. Let's pick it!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 26 - 15 Things Not Very Many People Know About Me
15 Things Not Very Many People Know About Me
1. I am a published poet. (New Jersey Poet Society - Love Anthology)
2. My favorite novels are those by Sarah Dessen and Penelope Fitzgerald.
3. When I was in elementary school I performed an African dance at a Cultural Assembly. I was also in a talent show that performed for the whole school (2,000 kids). I sang and I danced.
4. In high school, I was in two plays - Shakespeare Goes to Gravel Gulch (a melodrama) and the famous play, Harvey, through Hope Evangelical Free Church.
5. I'm obsessed with goldstone; a synthetic stone made for jewelry.
6. I love the Beach Boys.
7. I have a very very extensive sticker collection. As well as a small, but awesome, ceramic/glass/stone egg collection. (Sadly, both are in storage.)
8. I've co-piloted a small 6-seat airplane from Seattle to San Juan Island in the Puget Sound.
9. I've driven a boat, been deep-sea fishing, and have set, baited, and retrieved crab traps.
10. I've snorkeled frequently in the tropics - I've seen lion fish, sea cucumber, coral reefs, a school of giant angelfish and various other sea creatures.
11. I've touched the twin tours in Kuala Limpur, Malaysia.
12. I treasure most two dried yellow flowers that I have carried around with me in a petri dish since I was twelve years old in Okinawa. They are from the first moment I accepted Jesus into my heart, the first moment I believed in God, and the first time I truly experienced hope.
13. I've ridden an elephant. (Twice)
14. My first best friend was my puppy, Cleo, whom I got when I was three and she was two. She past away my freshman year of high school, at the age of 14. I loved her very much, and I was very very lonely without her. She was always there for me to cry to.... She saved my life.
15. I'm actually a very picky eater. I'll compromise and eat whats available when necessary, but when eating on my own I don't eat (because I don't really like) eggs, cake, cheesecake, pork, fried rice, fast food french fries (there are exceptions to that one, but most french fries from chains I don't like), regular sandwiches of any kind, Chinese food (gross), and various other foods.
Sincerely,
Sarah
1. I am a published poet. (New Jersey Poet Society - Love Anthology)
2. My favorite novels are those by Sarah Dessen and Penelope Fitzgerald.
3. When I was in elementary school I performed an African dance at a Cultural Assembly. I was also in a talent show that performed for the whole school (2,000 kids). I sang and I danced.
4. In high school, I was in two plays - Shakespeare Goes to Gravel Gulch (a melodrama) and the famous play, Harvey, through Hope Evangelical Free Church.
5. I'm obsessed with goldstone; a synthetic stone made for jewelry.
6. I love the Beach Boys.
7. I have a very very extensive sticker collection. As well as a small, but awesome, ceramic/glass/stone egg collection. (Sadly, both are in storage.)
8. I've co-piloted a small 6-seat airplane from Seattle to San Juan Island in the Puget Sound.
9. I've driven a boat, been deep-sea fishing, and have set, baited, and retrieved crab traps.
10. I've snorkeled frequently in the tropics - I've seen lion fish, sea cucumber, coral reefs, a school of giant angelfish and various other sea creatures.
11. I've touched the twin tours in Kuala Limpur, Malaysia.
12. I treasure most two dried yellow flowers that I have carried around with me in a petri dish since I was twelve years old in Okinawa. They are from the first moment I accepted Jesus into my heart, the first moment I believed in God, and the first time I truly experienced hope.
13. I've ridden an elephant. (Twice)
14. My first best friend was my puppy, Cleo, whom I got when I was three and she was two. She past away my freshman year of high school, at the age of 14. I loved her very much, and I was very very lonely without her. She was always there for me to cry to.... She saved my life.
15. I'm actually a very picky eater. I'll compromise and eat whats available when necessary, but when eating on my own I don't eat (because I don't really like) eggs, cake, cheesecake, pork, fried rice, fast food french fries (there are exceptions to that one, but most french fries from chains I don't like), regular sandwiches of any kind, Chinese food (gross), and various other foods.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 25
I'm sitting in the main library on campus, waiting for a study room to open up. It has come to the night before another Organic Chemistry test, and I am as lost as a PC user on a Mac. Even typing the letter c is making me cringe. Carbon, oh Carbon, please just stay in slices of chocolate cake and leave me and my little life alone.
But, no. Instead I have chapters of work and reading and sifting and scrounging and I'm stretching to understand. Why am I taking this class? One - its required for a Biology major. Biology, a thing I love. Two - its required for Med School and Pharmacy School, two things I may end up doing. Third, well, I want to prove that I can do it. Really. I have a B, which I'm proud of, but this class is one of the only classes that has me believeing that I may just not be capable of an A in it. And that, my readers, is unbearable. So we will see. I will study. And I will not procrastinate next time. Spending an entire night in the library is not my favorite thing to do. I assure you.
Oh and, my boyfriend makes me so happy - I will tell you all about it later.
To the STUDYING!
Goodnight,
Sarah
But, no. Instead I have chapters of work and reading and sifting and scrounging and I'm stretching to understand. Why am I taking this class? One - its required for a Biology major. Biology, a thing I love. Two - its required for Med School and Pharmacy School, two things I may end up doing. Third, well, I want to prove that I can do it. Really. I have a B, which I'm proud of, but this class is one of the only classes that has me believeing that I may just not be capable of an A in it. And that, my readers, is unbearable. So we will see. I will study. And I will not procrastinate next time. Spending an entire night in the library is not my favorite thing to do. I assure you.
Oh and, my boyfriend makes me so happy - I will tell you all about it later.
To the STUDYING!
Goodnight,
Sarah
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 24 Halloween Party
Had a halloween party. It was fun. I didn't know a lot of people - a lot of my roommate's friends. It was still fun.
Now I have tests and school and cleaning.
Chao.
Sarah
Now I have tests and school and cleaning.
Chao.
Sarah
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 23
If I actually wanted to put a status on my facebook right now, It's be:
Sarah Buterblog heard you make a joke about her while she was sleeping, because she was indeed in her apartment. So... Maybe I'll just go home cause I'll be sick or something over this, right? Lols...you are so funny. You call yourself a Christian, when all you are is a grudge holding meanie. Well stop poisoning my friends. I have apologized immensely for whatever it was that I did to make you hate me so much, and now I'm just starting to think I'm your blame-it all-on person. Grow up. And I must have been wrong about you - if you care way too much about what people think of you, you wouldn't be such an asshole, because it makes you look bad. But since you are, you must have been right about that one. Oh and !&* (name), I'm going to leave the judgmental grudge part to my Jesus, because I'm over it, yet again.
Doesn't writing just make you feel better?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sarah Buterblog heard you make a joke about her while she was sleeping, because she was indeed in her apartment. So... Maybe I'll just go home cause I'll be sick or something over this, right? Lols...you are so funny. You call yourself a Christian, when all you are is a grudge holding meanie. Well stop poisoning my friends. I have apologized immensely for whatever it was that I did to make you hate me so much, and now I'm just starting to think I'm your blame-it all-on person. Grow up. And I must have been wrong about you - if you care way too much about what people think of you, you wouldn't be such an asshole, because it makes you look bad. But since you are, you must have been right about that one. Oh and !&* (name), I'm going to leave the judgmental grudge part to my Jesus, because I'm over it, yet again.
Doesn't writing just make you feel better?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 22
Off to the Anonymous on my last post - I do have lots of friends that are here for me and I loves them very much. I just miss Meghan and Kirby terribly - its not that I think that they are my only friends, just ones that I miss and want to come home. I hope you understand. *Huggles*
And on to other things -
GO to the grocery store. BUY a Johnathon apple. EAT that apple. ENJOY.
(I really love those, and I'm not an apple person.)
Also, the gnhocci (sp?) at Trader Joes is really yummy.
As you can tell, I've started Weight Watchers again - yeah! I'm going to lose it all this time, so watch out, I'm crazy, I'm motivated, I'm supported, and I'm toting sweet-tasting apples, carrots with tahtziki, and baby spinach salad!!!!!! She's a triple threat!!!!!!!!!! :P Thought I'd point it out.
Okay, so I was going to write a story - I posted one on http://www.thefearfive.blogspot.com/ a few days ago and I have an idea for another story, however, it will have to be a "It's Coming" thing (no that's what she said's please) - I have class.
Sincerely,
Sarah
And on to other things -
GO to the grocery store. BUY a Johnathon apple. EAT that apple. ENJOY.
(I really love those, and I'm not an apple person.)
Also, the gnhocci (sp?) at Trader Joes is really yummy.
As you can tell, I've started Weight Watchers again - yeah! I'm going to lose it all this time, so watch out, I'm crazy, I'm motivated, I'm supported, and I'm toting sweet-tasting apples, carrots with tahtziki, and baby spinach salad!!!!!! She's a triple threat!!!!!!!!!! :P Thought I'd point it out.
Okay, so I was going to write a story - I posted one on http://www.thefearfive.blogspot.com/ a few days ago and I have an idea for another story, however, it will have to be a "It's Coming" thing (no that's what she said's please) - I have class.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 21 - Think Positive
I realized today that I am absolutely ridiculous a lot of the time. What happened to relying on myself? Being my own happiness? Have I poured too much of myself into my relationship? What is wrong with me?
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 20 SWINE (H1N1) FLU
This past week, there have been no posts, because I have been afflicted with the formidable flu, the intolerable influenza! So, it's probably not swine flu, since they are treated the same way, my doctor didn't care. I will say however that the flu this year is terrible - my temperature was over 102.9 and it persisted for 24 hours. Then I was sick and vomiting for another whole day.
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 19, Experiences
I've had a lot of enlightening experiences in the last twenty four hours.
I met a stranger online through Omegle. I don't know who he is, but I know who he was to me. We talked for several hours. He started out as a creeper and then it turned into a lovely conversation. He was lonely, but not in the traditional way. He was heart-broken. At the end of it all, we said goodbye and both paused. He said he loved me and logged off.
I haven't felt like someone knew me, knew how I was and felt, in such a very long time. He did. For that I'm thankful. Thank you Stranger. I'm going to eat some tortas for you.
A second thing - I talked to my mom for a lengthy time yesterday. My mom is my best friend. I know that's weird but she is what keeps me grounded in life. Without her I wouldn't be here - in so many ways. We talked about how I feel about my dropping grades, my father, selfishness, depression, and the need to get away. And love. We talked a lot about love. If you think that I tell you personal details from my life, you're wrong. My mom is the only one who truly hears the personal stuff, or well, most of it. This blog gets just a little sliverous fraction.
And on that note, I have class and I'm hungry.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I met a stranger online through Omegle. I don't know who he is, but I know who he was to me. We talked for several hours. He started out as a creeper and then it turned into a lovely conversation. He was lonely, but not in the traditional way. He was heart-broken. At the end of it all, we said goodbye and both paused. He said he loved me and logged off.
I haven't felt like someone knew me, knew how I was and felt, in such a very long time. He did. For that I'm thankful. Thank you Stranger. I'm going to eat some tortas for you.
A second thing - I talked to my mom for a lengthy time yesterday. My mom is my best friend. I know that's weird but she is what keeps me grounded in life. Without her I wouldn't be here - in so many ways. We talked about how I feel about my dropping grades, my father, selfishness, depression, and the need to get away. And love. We talked a lot about love. If you think that I tell you personal details from my life, you're wrong. My mom is the only one who truly hears the personal stuff, or well, most of it. This blog gets just a little sliverous fraction.
And on that note, I have class and I'm hungry.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day Whatever
You have Billy to thank that I unprivatized this. I totally forgot after some editing tweaks. I apologize.
So I want to enter this in a magazine publishing contest. Tell me if you think its worth my time. Its a poem modeled in the style of Allen Ginsberg's Howl. You should check that poem out first. It's several tens of pages long, but it has a rich history. You should consider it the start of the Beatniks. And if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to Wiki it. Like now. Ummkay....
Lost
For Allen Ginsberg and Myself
I saw the best minds of my generation squandered
in assignments, wasted exhausted burnt-out,
taxing themselves thru the dark tunnels of the mind
at dawn looking for a well-lit hope
caffeinated hungry work-a-holic angels yearning
for a connection to each other in the
lonely night of unrealized advancement
who learned to be the most learnt and competitive
who were driven so hard they drove themselves
into the ground into the bong of lost hope
who wasted themselves just to get wasted amongst
those who knew what it was like
to travel through the center of the universe
only to find themselves with coffee
and a doughnut and tears
who sat up late at night RuneScape or Surfthechannel
and longed for a purpose to bring them
through to the realm of having dreams
at an impasse with an entanglement to fate
who stood atop the bridge of time
and cast their coins into the pool
of swift moving eternity - hoping
it was a Treve fountain, to return
who were thinkin wishin hopin praying
that it would truly be nice but were
left at the beach by those false-teaching
boys with long hair and terse love
who traveled three hundred miles
at three in the morning searching
along the gravel highway of left-behind
ideas and loves for a tasty slice of
heavenly lemon pie
who sat on Facebook hoping to stop peering into
the same face while they read the next
dry textbook of overbearing data
spread across space and time
who left themselves in the womb dying to get out
but were too scared to burst forth
and live with no boundaries
surrounded with Berlin Walls of fear they
self-erect to keep them from the world
who tried true but can't carry on and instead bear
the cross for others with shattered hearts
and tattered beliefs left alone with
their books, gods, and truths
who relive bad memories war hate lust pain weddings
in the hallucinations that come to them
as the darkness lifts its curse
off the horizon
I saw the best minds of my generation
lost.
Sincerely,
Sarah
So I want to enter this in a magazine publishing contest. Tell me if you think its worth my time. Its a poem modeled in the style of Allen Ginsberg's Howl. You should check that poem out first. It's several tens of pages long, but it has a rich history. You should consider it the start of the Beatniks. And if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to Wiki it. Like now. Ummkay....
Lost
For Allen Ginsberg and Myself
I saw the best minds of my generation squandered
in assignments, wasted exhausted burnt-out,
taxing themselves thru the dark tunnels of the mind
at dawn looking for a well-lit hope
caffeinated hungry work-a-holic angels yearning
for a connection to each other in the
lonely night of unrealized advancement
who learned to be the most learnt and competitive
who were driven so hard they drove themselves
into the ground into the bong of lost hope
who wasted themselves just to get wasted amongst
those who knew what it was like
to travel through the center of the universe
only to find themselves with coffee
and a doughnut and tears
who sat up late at night RuneScape or Surfthechannel
and longed for a purpose to bring them
through to the realm of having dreams
at an impasse with an entanglement to fate
who stood atop the bridge of time
and cast their coins into the pool
of swift moving eternity - hoping
it was a Treve fountain, to return
who were thinkin wishin hopin praying
that it would truly be nice but were
left at the beach by those false-teaching
boys with long hair and terse love
who traveled three hundred miles
at three in the morning searching
along the gravel highway of left-behind
ideas and loves for a tasty slice of
heavenly lemon pie
who sat on Facebook hoping to stop peering into
the same face while they read the next
dry textbook of overbearing data
spread across space and time
who left themselves in the womb dying to get out
but were too scared to burst forth
and live with no boundaries
surrounded with Berlin Walls of fear they
self-erect to keep them from the world
who tried true but can't carry on and instead bear
the cross for others with shattered hearts
and tattered beliefs left alone with
their books, gods, and truths
who relive bad memories war hate lust pain weddings
in the hallucinations that come to them
as the darkness lifts its curse
off the horizon
I saw the best minds of my generation
lost.
Sincerely,
Sarah
The Sarah Project: Day 17 I Need to Know
This project is going along a little harder than I thought it would. I just had a conversation with someone, and it really hurt, mostly because parts of it were true. So I need to know:
Why am a such a hard person to get along with?
If cashew is out there, maybe you could tell me why. The why I never got. About my personality. I just want the truth.
Thanks,
Please don't hold back,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Why am a such a hard person to get along with?
If cashew is out there, maybe you could tell me why. The why I never got. About my personality. I just want the truth.
Thanks,
Please don't hold back,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 16
He gave me roses.
He listens to me.
He appologizes.
He calls me out when I am wrong.
He asks the tough questions.
He massages my back when it aches.
He lets me sleep in his lap.
He cares.
He loves me.
I love him too.
He listens to me.
He appologizes.
He calls me out when I am wrong.
He asks the tough questions.
He massages my back when it aches.
He lets me sleep in his lap.
He cares.
He loves me.
I love him too.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 15
I'm not as emo anymore.
Scendence at the State Fair was really good. I'm still wearing their hoodie. And I would like them if my boyfriend wasn't the bassist, but honestly he is so now I have an excuse, and a ride, to attend shows. The band is really nice. They are all very very different people though, which is also great.
About my life, its a little insane right now. I used to find solace in my education. It was a place I ran to, because I knew that in my own little world, I could do something that was about myself, not my family. Something not about trying to be the mediator. Well, as valedictorian of my high-school class, I put so much pressure on myself, I forgot that their were other things that I needed to do to stay healthy. To be myself. So now, that college is super intense, all I want is another way to define myself, to be. And I know that it can't be about taking care of anyone but myself. So I'm still looking.
Things I Enjoy:
1. Watching certian television series. My favorites are True Blood and Brothers & Sisters.
2. Dresses.
3. Hanging with certian people - other people that are my friends, or were, just annoy me now.
4. Writing.
5. Reading for pleasure (not school). Penelope Fitzgerald is good and if you want to win my heart - I love Sarah Dessen novels.
6. Cooking/Baking/Chocolate Making
7. Arts and Crafts - card making, embossing, scrapbooking, sewing, all crafts
Things that I Still Need:
1. A Best Friend who understands me for who I am
2. A Career
3. A New Back
4. A Place of my Own
5. A favorite Sport
6. Something to Define Myself further with
Sincerely,
Sarah
Scendence at the State Fair was really good. I'm still wearing their hoodie. And I would like them if my boyfriend wasn't the bassist, but honestly he is so now I have an excuse, and a ride, to attend shows. The band is really nice. They are all very very different people though, which is also great.
About my life, its a little insane right now. I used to find solace in my education. It was a place I ran to, because I knew that in my own little world, I could do something that was about myself, not my family. Something not about trying to be the mediator. Well, as valedictorian of my high-school class, I put so much pressure on myself, I forgot that their were other things that I needed to do to stay healthy. To be myself. So now, that college is super intense, all I want is another way to define myself, to be. And I know that it can't be about taking care of anyone but myself. So I'm still looking.
Things I Enjoy:
1. Watching certian television series. My favorites are True Blood and Brothers & Sisters.
2. Dresses.
3. Hanging with certian people - other people that are my friends, or were, just annoy me now.
4. Writing.
5. Reading for pleasure (not school). Penelope Fitzgerald is good and if you want to win my heart - I love Sarah Dessen novels.
6. Cooking/Baking/Chocolate Making
7. Arts and Crafts - card making, embossing, scrapbooking, sewing, all crafts
Things that I Still Need:
1. A Best Friend who understands me for who I am
2. A Career
3. A New Back
4. A Place of my Own
5. A favorite Sport
6. Something to Define Myself further with
Sincerely,
Sarah
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 14
I wish I held you in my hand
Sparkly, Glittery, on the mend,
But instead you hold me in your grip
At the will of your quivering lip.
I've been thinking in this time I set aside
Do I really want to sacrifice my pride
Sometimes you're crazy and you're right
Why is this a single-souled formidable fight?
I wish that I didn't have to doubt,
But am I taking the valorous route?
You never keep me in the loop
Are we together for the physical whoop?
I wish that I could talk to you,
But somehow I'm just too blue.
I haven't breathed in awhile,
I think some time will be a trial,
Where under your busy facade,
I can take a trip to my own aid,
And when I'm ready to talk about a "we" -
Then, then we'll see.
Sparkly, Glittery, on the mend,
But instead you hold me in your grip
At the will of your quivering lip.
I've been thinking in this time I set aside
Do I really want to sacrifice my pride
Sometimes you're crazy and you're right
Why is this a single-souled formidable fight?
I wish that I didn't have to doubt,
But am I taking the valorous route?
You never keep me in the loop
Are we together for the physical whoop?
I wish that I could talk to you,
But somehow I'm just too blue.
I haven't breathed in awhile,
I think some time will be a trial,
Where under your busy facade,
I can take a trip to my own aid,
And when I'm ready to talk about a "we" -
Then, then we'll see.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 13
Things that pissed me off today:
1. Censored
2. I fed the ducks right out of my hand. When I went to shew them away, I spilled all my fries. Ugh.
3. How cold it was this morning - I had to get out of bed.
4. When I did well on my Bio test and called my mom I told her I loved Biology. It was the thing for me. She sighed. "What are you going to do with that?" I wish I was raised to have dreams not realities.
5. Censored
6. That you don't understand my depression.
7. Having depression
8. The text I got about going to the gym. Go by yourself. Don't blame your lack of gym time because I don't want to go.
9. I have to go to OChem right now.
10. My back hurts.
Things that should make me happy about today that I should focus on instead of the above:
1. I find that I love biology. Its what I want to do.
2. I fed the ducks. And had a chicken sandwich.
3. I did awesome on my Genetics test.
4. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to.
5. I saw a grasshopper and poked it.
6. I get to sleep tonight?
Sincerely,
Sarah
1. Censored
2. I fed the ducks right out of my hand. When I went to shew them away, I spilled all my fries. Ugh.
3. How cold it was this morning - I had to get out of bed.
4. When I did well on my Bio test and called my mom I told her I loved Biology. It was the thing for me. She sighed. "What are you going to do with that?" I wish I was raised to have dreams not realities.
5. Censored
6. That you don't understand my depression.
7. Having depression
8. The text I got about going to the gym. Go by yourself. Don't blame your lack of gym time because I don't want to go.
9. I have to go to OChem right now.
10. My back hurts.
Things that should make me happy about today that I should focus on instead of the above:
1. I find that I love biology. Its what I want to do.
2. I fed the ducks. And had a chicken sandwich.
3. I did awesome on my Genetics test.
4. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to.
5. I saw a grasshopper and poked it.
6. I get to sleep tonight?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 12
Just fair warning - this may be a little depressing/rant-like/annoying...or whatever.
I'm just so....sad. But its not just that, its that I physically don't have enough energy to move, the aches and pains, the inability to do what I need to, the lack of motivation, etc. I don't really have a reason for it. My boyfriend is more than adorable. I have no secrets from anyone. I am not underappreciated, abused, neglected, or hated.
I didn't get much sleep over the past few days - early appointments or school activities. Most if it was really my fault for not going to bed sooner and for going out with my boyfriend instead of sleeping. I think that this has a correlation with my mild chronic depression. Less than 6 hours of sleep, multiple days in a row = sad sluggish Sarah.
In high school, I used to be a powerhouse for getting things done - my homework, my chores, my hobbies and little projects. Then somewhere, around Senior year, it just all caught up to me and I'm still paying for it. Those nights I didn't sleep, the studying, the overxertion - now I have terrible back-pain, headaches, malaise, depression - you name it. Why did I do it? Why did I try so hard? - So I could get paid to go to college. So I could be responsible, because I wanted to be a good kid, to be appreciated. Because at one point - I was the glue. That's my litttle secret isn't it. I was the glue that held my family together - then my sister came home from college and I grew up. Everything fell apart so badly, I threw myself into my education. Then when I went off to college I crumbled. Like a cookie in warm milk. I worked so hard for my goals that when I finally reached them, I nearly died. I lost it. I had several breakdowns. Many of you were there to withness them. I had so many depressed low moments - I'm surprised I made it through. There was therapy, there was self-talk, there was changing the way I thought. Now I have a better grasp of who I am. I know that it is my responsibility to take care of myself, no one else. I'm able to have a successful relationship, where I don't need him, I want to be with him. But still, I get mildly depressed.
Healing is a process. It might take me the rest of my life.I dont' really know. But I know that I am strong. I am one of the strongest people I know. And I'll pull through it. Just, this time, I think I throw myself into myself, not my education, and not someone else.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I'm just so....sad. But its not just that, its that I physically don't have enough energy to move, the aches and pains, the inability to do what I need to, the lack of motivation, etc. I don't really have a reason for it. My boyfriend is more than adorable. I have no secrets from anyone. I am not underappreciated, abused, neglected, or hated.
I didn't get much sleep over the past few days - early appointments or school activities. Most if it was really my fault for not going to bed sooner and for going out with my boyfriend instead of sleeping. I think that this has a correlation with my mild chronic depression. Less than 6 hours of sleep, multiple days in a row = sad sluggish Sarah.
In high school, I used to be a powerhouse for getting things done - my homework, my chores, my hobbies and little projects. Then somewhere, around Senior year, it just all caught up to me and I'm still paying for it. Those nights I didn't sleep, the studying, the overxertion - now I have terrible back-pain, headaches, malaise, depression - you name it. Why did I do it? Why did I try so hard? - So I could get paid to go to college. So I could be responsible, because I wanted to be a good kid, to be appreciated. Because at one point - I was the glue. That's my litttle secret isn't it. I was the glue that held my family together - then my sister came home from college and I grew up. Everything fell apart so badly, I threw myself into my education. Then when I went off to college I crumbled. Like a cookie in warm milk. I worked so hard for my goals that when I finally reached them, I nearly died. I lost it. I had several breakdowns. Many of you were there to withness them. I had so many depressed low moments - I'm surprised I made it through. There was therapy, there was self-talk, there was changing the way I thought. Now I have a better grasp of who I am. I know that it is my responsibility to take care of myself, no one else. I'm able to have a successful relationship, where I don't need him, I want to be with him. But still, I get mildly depressed.
Healing is a process. It might take me the rest of my life.I dont' really know. But I know that I am strong. I am one of the strongest people I know. And I'll pull through it. Just, this time, I think I throw myself into myself, not my education, and not someone else.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 11 "I've Got a Feeling..that tonight's gonna be a good night"
I have a problem. A serious one. I'm addicted to online television. I know this because in a one week period, I've watched all of Dollhouse, all of 10 Things I Hate About You (the sitcom - terrible), all of True Blood, and at least four Surf-the-Channel movies. It's a terrible.
I just finished the last Gossip Girl - and I was smart enough to only watch the last one, not start at the beginning and get lost in it.
I really don't know why I'm doing this.
I have hours of other things to do. Cleaning. Homework. Hanging with friends. But I keep going back to the internets. That being said, I'm going to brainstorm other things to do.
1) Go to the Career Fair tomorrow and get a job. Seriously.
2) Finish an art project in my closet. (The afghan, cross-stitching tapestry, christmas ornaments, or skirt I used to be sewing.)
3) Travel somewhere fun on the weekend, like Madrid, NM or the Grand Canyon, or something.
4) Catch up or get ahead in class.
5) Go to the gym more. Really.
6) Wash/clean/fix up my car.
7) Decorate/redecorate parts of the apartment (it doesn't really need it though.)
8) Write a song or poem or fiction novel.
9) Save the Mole Rats...or the Polar Bears...or well, the cockroaches on my front porch.
10) Invent a new brand of chocolate in my kitchen.
Other interesting tidbits from my boring day - - -
-My chem partner of more than a year thinks I look like the main female character from the movie Taken. I don't think he was hitting on me, but it was a confidence boost, nonetheless.
-A guy at the library checked me out (no pun intended) and the above lab partner pointed it out obviously.
- I angered my TA at least 5 times in the Chem Lab when he caught me pouring water from a pitcher into a small 10mL graduated cylinder, when I didn't attach the hose onto the water pump securely and drenched a few people, when I kept asking questions he didn't know how to respond to because he is from China, when I forgot my googles, and when I shoved our yeast fermented lab-created MOONSHINE under his nose to make sure the fermentation was successful.
- I created a program that approximates pi in two ways.
- I made the BEST EVER STUFFED GREEN BELL PEPPERS with my roommate for dinner and they were SOOOOO GOOOD.
That's about it.
Oh and yeah - Sat. I watched live Jazz with the wonderful boyfriend for class and it was awesome.
Also, Troll II is about GOBLINS, and I don't think that's quite right. Also, its THE ONE AND ONLY WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME...and a product of my watching television on the internet.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I just finished the last Gossip Girl - and I was smart enough to only watch the last one, not start at the beginning and get lost in it.
I really don't know why I'm doing this.
I have hours of other things to do. Cleaning. Homework. Hanging with friends. But I keep going back to the internets. That being said, I'm going to brainstorm other things to do.
1) Go to the Career Fair tomorrow and get a job. Seriously.
2) Finish an art project in my closet. (The afghan, cross-stitching tapestry, christmas ornaments, or skirt I used to be sewing.)
3) Travel somewhere fun on the weekend, like Madrid, NM or the Grand Canyon, or something.
4) Catch up or get ahead in class.
5) Go to the gym more. Really.
6) Wash/clean/fix up my car.
7) Decorate/redecorate parts of the apartment (it doesn't really need it though.)
8) Write a song or poem or fiction novel.
9) Save the Mole Rats...or the Polar Bears...or well, the cockroaches on my front porch.
10) Invent a new brand of chocolate in my kitchen.
Other interesting tidbits from my boring day - - -
-My chem partner of more than a year thinks I look like the main female character from the movie Taken. I don't think he was hitting on me, but it was a confidence boost, nonetheless.
-A guy at the library checked me out (no pun intended) and the above lab partner pointed it out obviously.
- I angered my TA at least 5 times in the Chem Lab when he caught me pouring water from a pitcher into a small 10mL graduated cylinder, when I didn't attach the hose onto the water pump securely and drenched a few people, when I kept asking questions he didn't know how to respond to because he is from China, when I forgot my googles, and when I shoved our yeast fermented lab-created MOONSHINE under his nose to make sure the fermentation was successful.
- I created a program that approximates pi in two ways.
- I made the BEST EVER STUFFED GREEN BELL PEPPERS with my roommate for dinner and they were SOOOOO GOOOD.
That's about it.
Oh and yeah - Sat. I watched live Jazz with the wonderful boyfriend for class and it was awesome.
Also, Troll II is about GOBLINS, and I don't think that's quite right. Also, its THE ONE AND ONLY WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME...and a product of my watching television on the internet.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Sarah Project: What I'm Calling Day 10
So its been a few days since I posted. Maybe 3 or 4. I'm thinking that because it may be literally impossible for me to blog everyday because of lets say too many ninja attacks, or a zombie apocalyse, or something close to those, like a busy life with school and an boyfriend - I'm going to write until I've written 365 different times. So...355 to go.
I had the BEST night tongiht. I went and saw the movie "9" which was decent, and I fell in love all over again with my caring and understanding boyfriend. (Which I do almost every time I see him.) He tends to be the subject of at least an 1/8th of my posts, because I continue to find him and our relationship fascinating and satisfying. So, I'm going to introduce you.
He is funny. And I don't mean sarcastic funny or punny funny - he is seriously a goofy and comedic funny. For, I'd say the past two weeks, he's adopted a Scotish accent, just because, and so he can use it when his band plays at the State Fair. Now when I mean adopted an accent, I mean he talks to friends, strangers, teachers, and me, as this ridiculous and adorable Scotish exchange student. More things that are hilarious - we sing the ABCs together. He starts with A, and for some reason, I follow. We went fabric shopping together so that he could make a cape. He feeds me only when its inappropriate, and in an undelicate manner - usually shoving something into my mouth. He likes to blow raspberries on my cheeks. He's super ticklish. (Okay, maybe only I thinks that's really funny :-) )
Other things: He likes watching Gilmore Girls for kicks, playing bass, teaching kids music, the colors blue and red, eating good food, music, movies, longboarding, and hanging with friends. He doesn't like institutions that over-charge or exhort people, including the film industry and music labels. We both like chocolate with mint (Junior mints, Andes, etc.), pickles, Wendy's, and salsa and chips. He is a Communications Major in Advertising. He plays a bass for Scendence. He raps for another independent music project aimed to play off of social idocies, like Raptor Jesus and Dragonforce. He likes cuddling. He knows instinctivly to hold my hand when I place it near my side at the movie theatre. He knows when I'm about to freak out or lose my emotional stability and instantly calms me down. He can look me in the eyes and I know, I know, that I am safe, that he cares, and that everything is going to be okay. He hates it when I start my car with the A/C on, or when I drive around with less than a half tank. He respects my boundaries and has his own.
He apologizes, he verbalizes how he feels, he calls me out on my shit, and he is always honest.
There is more, but for now, that's all you need to know.
<3
Sincerely,
Sarah
I had the BEST night tongiht. I went and saw the movie "9" which was decent, and I fell in love all over again with my caring and understanding boyfriend. (Which I do almost every time I see him.) He tends to be the subject of at least an 1/8th of my posts, because I continue to find him and our relationship fascinating and satisfying. So, I'm going to introduce you.
He is funny. And I don't mean sarcastic funny or punny funny - he is seriously a goofy and comedic funny. For, I'd say the past two weeks, he's adopted a Scotish accent, just because, and so he can use it when his band plays at the State Fair. Now when I mean adopted an accent, I mean he talks to friends, strangers, teachers, and me, as this ridiculous and adorable Scotish exchange student. More things that are hilarious - we sing the ABCs together. He starts with A, and for some reason, I follow. We went fabric shopping together so that he could make a cape. He feeds me only when its inappropriate, and in an undelicate manner - usually shoving something into my mouth. He likes to blow raspberries on my cheeks. He's super ticklish. (Okay, maybe only I thinks that's really funny :-) )
Other things: He likes watching Gilmore Girls for kicks, playing bass, teaching kids music, the colors blue and red, eating good food, music, movies, longboarding, and hanging with friends. He doesn't like institutions that over-charge or exhort people, including the film industry and music labels. We both like chocolate with mint (Junior mints, Andes, etc.), pickles, Wendy's, and salsa and chips. He is a Communications Major in Advertising. He plays a bass for Scendence. He raps for another independent music project aimed to play off of social idocies, like Raptor Jesus and Dragonforce. He likes cuddling. He knows instinctivly to hold my hand when I place it near my side at the movie theatre. He knows when I'm about to freak out or lose my emotional stability and instantly calms me down. He can look me in the eyes and I know, I know, that I am safe, that he cares, and that everything is going to be okay. He hates it when I start my car with the A/C on, or when I drive around with less than a half tank. He respects my boundaries and has his own.
He apologizes, he verbalizes how he feels, he calls me out on my shit, and he is always honest.
There is more, but for now, that's all you need to know.
<3
Sincerely,
Sarah
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 9
Headache. Backpain. OChem test tommorrow I haven't studied for. I'm very passive and a procrastinator.
Had the talk I needed to have. Compromise reached.
Now I need to study.
Will act more like a human when things die down.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Had the talk I needed to have. Compromise reached.
Now I need to study.
Will act more like a human when things die down.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 8 (357 to Go!)
Hummingbird
I watch it float seemlessly above me,
I see it flap so hard the wings meld together,
Could I catch it, if I tried harder?
So busy it eludes me.
Statsis - I don't move.
Tears because I can't touch it.
Terror because its unreachable.
Grasping, reaching, screaming,
I wear myself out..
I can't do anything else.
I should though. I should move.
I need to get home, to be safe.
Lonliness prevents me.
I want to hold it; I want to be held by it.
Oh, how I desire to fall into you!
Little bird, be big for me now,
I'm crying - wipe the tears.
I'm strong, my best friend says.
I'm STRONG.
Remember when you were so strong?
I feel so weak.
I succeed, I step forward, I move on.
I forget lonliness.
But this time, the little hummingbird follows me.
~Sarah
We measure strength in different ways. We love in different ways. We need the same things.
Carry on. You can hold yourself. You can hold yourself up.
I watch it float seemlessly above me,
I see it flap so hard the wings meld together,
Could I catch it, if I tried harder?
So busy it eludes me.
Statsis - I don't move.
Tears because I can't touch it.
Terror because its unreachable.
Grasping, reaching, screaming,
I wear myself out..
I can't do anything else.
I should though. I should move.
I need to get home, to be safe.
Lonliness prevents me.
I want to hold it; I want to be held by it.
Oh, how I desire to fall into you!
Little bird, be big for me now,
I'm crying - wipe the tears.
I'm strong, my best friend says.
I'm STRONG.
Remember when you were so strong?
I feel so weak.
I succeed, I step forward, I move on.
I forget lonliness.
But this time, the little hummingbird follows me.
~Sarah
We measure strength in different ways. We love in different ways. We need the same things.
Carry on. You can hold yourself. You can hold yourself up.
The Sarah Project: Let Dreams Be Real (Day 7, posted on Day 8)
For Saturday -
I woke up next to a man that got me to stay for his birthday, because he quoted that his mom would make us breakfast in the morning. You're awesome Doug. So is the Fearsome Fivesome. Well, now that its back, or errr...now that I'm not being retarded. So this is a copy of what I posted there at thefearfive.blogspot.com.
-----------------------------
Would you like tea or coffee while you decide what to paint, Lily?
She used her right arm to tuck her long brown hair behind her right ear. She smiled softly not knowing what to say. This isn’t her place. It isn’t her place to make the decision. It is her friend’s responsibility. Or it was. That was before she, before she, became no longer capable.
Tea, please. Meghan’s going to wake up today.
Lily, replied. The parents, those caring people that didn’t know their daughter at all, were visiting with the doctors. They had given up. Lily wondered – did they really care about her? Meghan had been doing better. She screamed in her sleep at night. She held her belly sometimes. She shook her head.
We sure hope so.
Lily had been at the Neuropsychiatric Institution in Utah for a long time. It was her home. Locked into a wheelchair, not able to walk since the day she entered the Institution all bandaged from the “accident,” she stared at the woman.
Yes, yes we do.
And she continued to paint. She painted with her tears of a world where she knew how to walk. A world where her and Meghan traveled, laughed, and smiled. A world where that nice, tall boy that kissed the young blonde doctor, held Meghan’s hand too. A world where the afflicted caretaker had no worries, except getting whooped at chess by a woman that made him not only smile, but glow. She painted herself in the picture, in the corner, not alone but instead a part of everyone she loved. She held a hummingbird in her hand. He loved her. Then she finished the painting, closed her eyes, and prayed.
And Meghan woke up.
---------------------------------------------
Sincerely,
Sarah
I woke up next to a man that got me to stay for his birthday, because he quoted that his mom would make us breakfast in the morning. You're awesome Doug. So is the Fearsome Fivesome. Well, now that its back, or errr...now that I'm not being retarded. So this is a copy of what I posted there at thefearfive.blogspot.com.
-----------------------------
Would you like tea or coffee while you decide what to paint, Lily?
She used her right arm to tuck her long brown hair behind her right ear. She smiled softly not knowing what to say. This isn’t her place. It isn’t her place to make the decision. It is her friend’s responsibility. Or it was. That was before she, before she, became no longer capable.
Tea, please. Meghan’s going to wake up today.
Lily, replied. The parents, those caring people that didn’t know their daughter at all, were visiting with the doctors. They had given up. Lily wondered – did they really care about her? Meghan had been doing better. She screamed in her sleep at night. She held her belly sometimes. She shook her head.
We sure hope so.
Lily had been at the Neuropsychiatric Institution in Utah for a long time. It was her home. Locked into a wheelchair, not able to walk since the day she entered the Institution all bandaged from the “accident,” she stared at the woman.
Yes, yes we do.
And she continued to paint. She painted with her tears of a world where she knew how to walk. A world where her and Meghan traveled, laughed, and smiled. A world where that nice, tall boy that kissed the young blonde doctor, held Meghan’s hand too. A world where the afflicted caretaker had no worries, except getting whooped at chess by a woman that made him not only smile, but glow. She painted herself in the picture, in the corner, not alone but instead a part of everyone she loved. She held a hummingbird in her hand. He loved her. Then she finished the painting, closed her eyes, and prayed.
And Meghan woke up.
---------------------------------------------
Sincerely,
Sarah
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 6
I'm sitting in a friends house, watching a group of assorted people play Dungeons and Dragons, eating a rice krispy treat. I'm simply enjoying the presence of others, allowing myself to be comfortable in my humanity. Not playing tonight, I'm observing. To observe others you must realise that you are a part of the interaction yourself, and are not just observing objectively, but rather all your observations are extensions of yourself. Casey's smile, Shannon's knitting, Eli's laugh, Tony's feet panging against the floor, Andy's leadership, and Tyler's nonchalance, are all in my view; all a part of me.
I came to find myself perched on a bar stool around a table of DnD madness when I followed my roommate out of the apartment, not wanting to be left alone. Don't get me wrong - I didn't follow her like a puppy. There are moments that I love to be by myself. Rather, this instance, I followed her out of desire. A desire to be with other people, similar to me or otherwise.
Isn't that what drives us? A Desire. A Desire to .
All human action is fueled by a desire.
So what is it that we desire?
What is it that you desire?
What is it that I desire?
Doesn't all suffering and pain come with a conflict in what we desire?
Doesn't all joy come in the completion and exhaltation of what we desire?
Thoughtful, nerdy, content, and one with my humanity,
Sincerely,
Sarah
I came to find myself perched on a bar stool around a table of DnD madness when I followed my roommate out of the apartment, not wanting to be left alone. Don't get me wrong - I didn't follow her like a puppy. There are moments that I love to be by myself. Rather, this instance, I followed her out of desire. A desire to be with other people, similar to me or otherwise.
Isn't that what drives us? A Desire. A Desire to .
All human action is fueled by a desire.
So what is it that we desire?
What is it that you desire?
What is it that I desire?
Doesn't all suffering and pain come with a conflict in what we desire?
Doesn't all joy come in the completion and exhaltation of what we desire?
Thoughtful, nerdy, content, and one with my humanity,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 5 (A little late)
I have a full stomach, someone who loves me more than I could imagine (thanks mom), and someone who loves me, not because of any reason, but he just does.
For now, I am content.
Goodnight and take care,
A Very Sleepy,
A Very Happy,
Sarah
For now, I am content.
Goodnight and take care,
A Very Sleepy,
A Very Happy,
Sarah
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 4 (Barely)
I worked on a photo project today and finished a Matlab program. In short - I almost forgot to blog.
Alcohol Use:
In moderation, for the right reasons (social atmosphere), with the right people, and at the right maturity.
Not for addiction, depression, overcoming shyness, or to look cool.
I think I'll drink when I'm ready, legally, at the right maturity, for the right reasons, with the right people, and in moderation.
Relationships:
I'm going to make a bold statement: Communication is more important than passion in a romantic relationship. Being able to compromise to meet eachother's needs, as well as fully talking and working through difficulties, whether personal or within the relationship, is more important than passionate or pleasurable intimacy.
Thus, sex is not necessary for a successful romantic relationship.
Have a wonderful Thursday,
Go Class, Take Notes,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Alcohol Use:
In moderation, for the right reasons (social atmosphere), with the right people, and at the right maturity.
Not for addiction, depression, overcoming shyness, or to look cool.
I think I'll drink when I'm ready, legally, at the right maturity, for the right reasons, with the right people, and in moderation.
Relationships:
I'm going to make a bold statement: Communication is more important than passion in a romantic relationship. Being able to compromise to meet eachother's needs, as well as fully talking and working through difficulties, whether personal or within the relationship, is more important than passionate or pleasurable intimacy.
Thus, sex is not necessary for a successful romantic relationship.
Have a wonderful Thursday,
Go Class, Take Notes,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 3
Happy Birthday, Dougles!
Relationships:
I have two questions -
How often do you talk to the person your in a relationship with?
Seriously, what is the most important thing in a relationship to you, that makes it successful?
I felt it shelter to speak to you. ~Emily Dickinson
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada
More follow-up on the alcohol discussion to come.
Relationships:
I have two questions -
How often do you talk to the person your in a relationship with?
Seriously, what is the most important thing in a relationship to you, that makes it successful?
I felt it shelter to speak to you. ~Emily Dickinson
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada
More follow-up on the alcohol discussion to come.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 2
Three Small Things to Do Today to Change Your Life
Eat Blueberries – They have a super high amount of anti-oxidants which absorb free radicals (which are mostly rogue oxygen) swimming around in your body causing havoc on your cells with their polar characteristics, disrupting your DNA and aging you. And they’re tasty.
Dance by Yourself– Enjoy yourself and take a break from homework to get up to dance and sing, all alone in your room. It's exhilarating.
* I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Take More than 20 Minutes to Make Yourself Dinner – whether this means baking yourself enchiladas, or pulling out the rice cooker, I promise you’ll feel better eating it, if you took the time to prepare it. Hmm..a blueberry pie would be perfect...
Alcohol Continued:
I have had three experiences in my life, which I can distinctly relate to alcohol. I'm not going to talk about them. I'm simply going to say that each has had some impact on my life, and changed who I am. But I could say that about anything really. What I can simply reflect is that had these experiences not occurred, I'd probably be better off. I can't say this for everyone. I can however ask you all to share a story in which someone intoxicated affected you in some way. Were they a friend? A family member? I'm also fairly sure that most of you have had positive experiences or at least humorous ones, interacting with the inebriated. So I’d linger on to ask, which out ways the other? – the positive experiences or negative ones?
Some research just for the curious - . Alcohol is a depressant. It is chemically formed when something ferments, instead of using oxygen to respirate. Thus to make alcohol beverages you bottle the organic compound without the presence of oxygen, i.e. the hops, barley, wheat, corn, cactus, etc. depending on the type of alcohol. The alcohol that we drink is Ethanol, which is C2H6O, a polar molecule. In large doses, it is a poison. Its LD50 in rats is 10,300 mg/kg. Beer is the third most popular drink, after water and tea, worldwide. The consumption of alcohol is found in every civilization and culture, from hunter-gathers to technological powerhouses. Alcohol increases insulin production and can result in low blood sugar. In small doses it is found to lower the risk of coronary heart disease, however up to 24% of Dementia is also found to be caused by long-term moderate drinking, or short-term binge drinking as long as this drinking took place before the dementia began. Alcohol damages the dendrites in the brain, which is perhaps the scariest fact in my opinion. The dendrites are the nerve powerhouses, if you will, that receive and transmit signals along giant pathways in the body. Thus, alcohol can inhibit your body’s internal communication permanently.
If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi. ~Unknown - as seen on a bumper sticker
If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside. ~Author Unknown
So what do you have to say?
Depression:
Why, for some reason, am I pairing depression with alcohol and drinking? Because it’s a clear fact that depressed people drink and drinking causes depressed people. Maybe more people would drink responsibly if there were less depressed people? Let’s hear what you have to say about depression. Is it a clinical mental illness? Is it a mood? Is it an emotion? I have to say I’m strongly opinionated about this topic. So what’s it to you?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Eat Blueberries – They have a super high amount of anti-oxidants which absorb free radicals (which are mostly rogue oxygen) swimming around in your body causing havoc on your cells with their polar characteristics, disrupting your DNA and aging you. And they’re tasty.
Dance by Yourself– Enjoy yourself and take a break from homework to get up to dance and sing, all alone in your room. It's exhilarating.
* I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Take More than 20 Minutes to Make Yourself Dinner – whether this means baking yourself enchiladas, or pulling out the rice cooker, I promise you’ll feel better eating it, if you took the time to prepare it. Hmm..a blueberry pie would be perfect...
Alcohol Continued:
I have had three experiences in my life, which I can distinctly relate to alcohol. I'm not going to talk about them. I'm simply going to say that each has had some impact on my life, and changed who I am. But I could say that about anything really. What I can simply reflect is that had these experiences not occurred, I'd probably be better off. I can't say this for everyone. I can however ask you all to share a story in which someone intoxicated affected you in some way. Were they a friend? A family member? I'm also fairly sure that most of you have had positive experiences or at least humorous ones, interacting with the inebriated. So I’d linger on to ask, which out ways the other? – the positive experiences or negative ones?
Some research just for the curious - . Alcohol is a depressant. It is chemically formed when something ferments, instead of using oxygen to respirate. Thus to make alcohol beverages you bottle the organic compound without the presence of oxygen, i.e. the hops, barley, wheat, corn, cactus, etc. depending on the type of alcohol. The alcohol that we drink is Ethanol, which is C2H6O, a polar molecule. In large doses, it is a poison. Its LD50 in rats is 10,300 mg/kg. Beer is the third most popular drink, after water and tea, worldwide. The consumption of alcohol is found in every civilization and culture, from hunter-gathers to technological powerhouses. Alcohol increases insulin production and can result in low blood sugar. In small doses it is found to lower the risk of coronary heart disease, however up to 24% of Dementia is also found to be caused by long-term moderate drinking, or short-term binge drinking as long as this drinking took place before the dementia began. Alcohol damages the dendrites in the brain, which is perhaps the scariest fact in my opinion. The dendrites are the nerve powerhouses, if you will, that receive and transmit signals along giant pathways in the body. Thus, alcohol can inhibit your body’s internal communication permanently.
If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi. ~Unknown - as seen on a bumper sticker
If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside. ~Author Unknown
So what do you have to say?
Depression:
Why, for some reason, am I pairing depression with alcohol and drinking? Because it’s a clear fact that depressed people drink and drinking causes depressed people. Maybe more people would drink responsibly if there were less depressed people? Let’s hear what you have to say about depression. Is it a clinical mental illness? Is it a mood? Is it an emotion? I have to say I’m strongly opinionated about this topic. So what’s it to you?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 1
Joey: Get a Mac
I don't care much about Macs. I don't have enough money for one, I think that a computer is a computer, and I don't like the black and white styles - or that you have to have little fingers to use them. I'm not opposed, but I much rather love my orange Dell Studio 17. Big screen for movies and shows, big keys so I can type fast, and well it suits my personality much better. I'm not into being serious about videos or photos or art - not that I don't love those things. But let's just say I'm more technical, and I'm more into things that are adaptable enough to except my computer illiteracy and my need for technical software, like Matlab. So I think I'm happy with what I have. Thanks.
Gossiping:
So I recently walked into my kitchen when a bunch of girls were over watching Buffy with my roommate Casey. Now if you have the common stereotype of girls, you think that when they get together, they gossip. I'd argue with that, but in this case the stereotype rings true. They happen to stumble upon the topic of a friend of mine and began to proclaim their hate for her. Well, this comment goes out to those girls. Please don't talk about someone that you barely know. It's not very nice or fair. And I'm going to defend my friend, honestly. Also, btw, I told her. Not your names, but some of the things you said. You never know the consequences of what you say. For the record - she's never said one untrue judgmental thing about any of you, or anyone for that matter. She has done some not-so-great things, but people can change. I stand behind her. That's more than I can say for the actions of any of you at that moment. I don't care if you agree with me, but that's how I feel.
Alcohol:
Since I don't just want to rant and complain with this project, I need some help. How do you all feel about alcohol. Drinking it, not drinking it, underage people drinking it, unresponsible people drinking it? You can post anonymously. I want to know. I need to know. I'm trying to figure it out. I grew up with a mother staunchly against alcohol and a father with the opposite view. So what do you think?
Sincerely,
Sarah
When a feeling was there, they felt as if it would never go; when it was gone, they felt as if it had never been; when it returned, they felt as if it had never gone.”
George MacDonald, What’s Mine’s Mine, 1886
I don't care much about Macs. I don't have enough money for one, I think that a computer is a computer, and I don't like the black and white styles - or that you have to have little fingers to use them. I'm not opposed, but I much rather love my orange Dell Studio 17. Big screen for movies and shows, big keys so I can type fast, and well it suits my personality much better. I'm not into being serious about videos or photos or art - not that I don't love those things. But let's just say I'm more technical, and I'm more into things that are adaptable enough to except my computer illiteracy and my need for technical software, like Matlab. So I think I'm happy with what I have. Thanks.
Gossiping:
So I recently walked into my kitchen when a bunch of girls were over watching Buffy with my roommate Casey. Now if you have the common stereotype of girls, you think that when they get together, they gossip. I'd argue with that, but in this case the stereotype rings true. They happen to stumble upon the topic of a friend of mine and began to proclaim their hate for her. Well, this comment goes out to those girls. Please don't talk about someone that you barely know. It's not very nice or fair. And I'm going to defend my friend, honestly. Also, btw, I told her. Not your names, but some of the things you said. You never know the consequences of what you say. For the record - she's never said one untrue judgmental thing about any of you, or anyone for that matter. She has done some not-so-great things, but people can change. I stand behind her. That's more than I can say for the actions of any of you at that moment. I don't care if you agree with me, but that's how I feel.
Alcohol:
Since I don't just want to rant and complain with this project, I need some help. How do you all feel about alcohol. Drinking it, not drinking it, underage people drinking it, unresponsible people drinking it? You can post anonymously. I want to know. I need to know. I'm trying to figure it out. I grew up with a mother staunchly against alcohol and a father with the opposite view. So what do you think?
Sincerely,
Sarah
When a feeling was there, they felt as if it would never go; when it was gone, they felt as if it had never been; when it returned, they felt as if it had never gone.”
George MacDonald, What’s Mine’s Mine, 1886
The Sarah Project
Okay, here's the deal.
I'm going to blog everyday about the things I see and do, about how I feel, what ever I want to write.
I'm going to be who I am and say what I've never had the courage to say before.
I want to figure out what I believe in, what I want to do in life, and what my passions are.
And I want your imput. Challenge who I am, challenge what I'm saying. Please.
This is the Sarah Project.
I'm going to blog everyday about the things I see and do, about how I feel, what ever I want to write.
I'm going to be who I am and say what I've never had the courage to say before.
I want to figure out what I believe in, what I want to do in life, and what my passions are.
And I want your imput. Challenge who I am, challenge what I'm saying. Please.
This is the Sarah Project.
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