The Sarah Project: Day 12

Just fair warning - this may be a little depressing/rant-like/annoying...or whatever.
I'm just so....sad. But its not just that, its that I physically don't have enough energy to move, the aches and pains, the inability to do what I need to, the lack of motivation, etc. I don't really have a reason for it. My boyfriend is more than adorable. I have no secrets from anyone. I am not underappreciated, abused, neglected, or hated.

I didn't get much sleep over the past few days - early appointments or school activities. Most if it was really my fault for not going to bed sooner and for going out with my boyfriend instead of sleeping. I think that this has a correlation with my mild chronic depression. Less than 6 hours of sleep, multiple days in a row = sad sluggish Sarah. 

In high school, I used to be a powerhouse for getting things done - my homework, my chores, my hobbies and little projects. Then somewhere, around Senior year, it just all caught up to me and I'm still paying for it. Those nights I didn't sleep, the studying, the overxertion - now I have terrible back-pain, headaches, malaise, depression - you name it. Why did I do it? Why did I try so hard? - So I could get paid to go to college. So I could be responsible, because I wanted to be a good kid, to be appreciated. Because at one point - I was the glue.  That's my litttle secret isn't it. I was the glue that held my family together - then my sister came home from college and I grew up. Everything fell apart so badly, I threw myself into my education. Then when I went off to college I crumbled. Like a cookie in warm milk. I worked so hard for my goals that when I finally reached them, I nearly died. I lost it. I had several breakdowns. Many of you were there to withness them. I had so many depressed low moments - I'm surprised I made it through. There was therapy, there was self-talk, there was changing the way I thought. Now I have a better grasp of who I am. I know that it is my responsibility to take care of myself, no one else. I'm able to have a successful relationship, where I don't need him, I want to be with him. But still, I get mildly depressed.

Healing is a process. It might take me the rest of my life.I dont' really know. But I know that I am strong. I am one of the strongest people I know. And I'll pull through it. Just, this time, I think I throw myself into myself, not my education, and not someone else.

Sincerely,
Sarah