I didn't post this because I thought it was too personal, but that's what this is about isn't it? Charlie requested that I confide in him about what it was about, and I decided to post it after all.
Last Tuesday's Entry that I didn't Post:
I have pushed everyone in my life away. I am so effective at it that only five people remembered my birthday was yesterday - my boyfriend, my roommate, my mom, my sister, and my dad. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and I was so very successful. Funny how what we want is sometimes exactly opposite from what we do. I planned a team dinner for the NAMI walk - it was a fund-raiser thing. I invited 59 people thinking that even though they didn't know it was my birthday, some would show up, and I could be surrounded by people. 3 people showed up - my roommate, me, and my boyfriend. I was really hurt.
Do any of you know what its like to live with major depressive disorder? I tell everyone that I do the walk for my sister. Ha. I do it for myself. I do it for every one of you that I can't tell that I have this horrible depression. I do it for every time that I run a self-inflicting harmful scenario with myself in my head, for every time that I didn't get enough sleep or I was so stressed that I would feel mentally and physically that killing myself would take it all away, for every moment that I want to enjoy myself doing things that I love and I just sit there wishing I was in bed. That's why I care so much about this. About helping those that have it. About telling them that they can live with it - so I know that I can too.
Ever since my freshman year of college when everything fell apart so drastically, when I hit rock bottom, over a year ago, I've been trying to climb myself out of this thing that I only wished that I could put a name on.I tried therapy and it helped, but it felt so pointless. I am still trying to think myself out of it, by being positive. I try not to write about it in this blog. I try not to talk about it. Its like, if I don't say it, it won't be true. That is such terrible thinking.
I have so much to do. I need to finish these finals.
I do want to thank all of you that have been and are here for me. I appreciate all of you and my relationships with you. I'm really stressed and really tired and I'm writing out of a tired depressed place. Please don't think that I define myself this way. This is simply one truth that I myself must realize and cope with. I am completely capable of a normal life, of having friends. And I do. I have many of you. I'm also not on the verge of doing anything dumb, so don't worry about me that way either. I just needed to get this all out. To cry it out, so that I can move on and dedicate my thoughts to my tests on Thursday. So thank you for listening.
Goodnight,
Sarah
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