I realized today that I am absolutely ridiculous a lot of the time. What happened to relying on myself? Being my own happiness? Have I poured too much of myself into my relationship? What is wrong with me?
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
you dont have to think positive all the time. personnaly finding every horrible and wonderful thing in my life to be great would drive me a lot bonkers. but dont throw a negative spin on everything. like a lot of us you automatically see the worst outcome when you look at a situation, but you should also see the best, and a few inbetween. get a nice rounded picture of the world that's the ticket.
ReplyDeleteas for relationships, we find out a lot about ourselves by being alone. we learn how to deal with the world, with friends, we learn to make ourselves happy and not waiting for someone else to. but when you're with someone you learn things too. you learn what it is inside you that you have to give. But losing yourself is a definate possibility. i at least find myself turning into a gibbering idiot cooing at even the memory of their touch. trying to fix that about myself. find the balance, your balance and make it work
You have more friends than just Kirby and Meghan, you know. :( I'm sorry we're not here enough for you, I guess? It's not for lack of trying, though.
ReplyDeleteGah a life eternally happy...that sounds...scary. Just find happy things happy and sad things sad. But don't dive into the emotion or it'll swallow you. So you're sad, so what? sad is okay too, but if you want to not be sad then don't be sad. Faking emotions can break you, and make life generally confusing.
ReplyDelete-M
Anonymous - You are here for me. I do have more friends than them, I just miss them terribly.
ReplyDeleteAnd Meghan and Fear Five in the Trio - thank you. What you are saying makes sense.