I'm so frustrated with people not understanding who I am. So upset. I have told them. I really have, but I am still so alone. No one has been where I have been or seen what I have seen and I mean that quite literally. In a world where children grow up in America with similar surroundings and experiences, I traveled around the globe, developed a different view and have thoughts that no one can guess or interpret. People think that I make the actions that I make because of some manner that they have rationalized in their brains with what they know. I don't smoke weed because I don't want to, not because I've passed any judgement on those who have or think that they use it as a crutch to deal with the world. I don't. They could just smoke it to smoke it. I just don't because I don't. This extends beyond simple reasonings. This extends to Simon thinking that I believe in God because my parents do, not because I have seen his miracles around the world and the breath of God in every living thing on the world. This extends to those who believe that I am environmental because I care about recycling and doing right - no rather I've seen the rainforest in Malaysia burnt to the ground for agriculture, for the shit we consume every single day. For the people who think that I cut every detail of what I feel into little pieces, that I worry to much about decisions that they think are normal or "not a big deal," they cannot look at my life through their eyes, because they do not know what its like to have this disorder this depression. Simply separating reality from my mind is difficult, is why I talk so much, is why I'm so open. Being in lock-down emotionally is what fed my sadness without reason. I have come to the conclusion that while a few people can understand, can see me just for who I am, they are not like me. I feel alone. However, I love them more than anyone else who cannot even see me. See me the way that I am, not the way that their littles minds must think that I feel or exist. Thank you for few of you that can see me. I'm sorry that you have a hard time feeling me. I'm different.
And for the rest of you. Just leave me alone. I'm tired of tryting to explain myself to you. Live your life and stop messing with mine. Or if you must try and understand, at least make an honest go of it. Don't just look for what you expect to see. Just look and see.
This is why I'm so incredibly lonely.
I am that different. Deal with it.
~Sarah
Sarah, this post makes me so frustrated.
ReplyDeleteYou're assuming what people are thinking without even knowing what they're really trying to say at all.
Also, your life is amazing. For once in your life realize that and stop complaining. Shit happens to all of us, we're all different. Deal with it.
~Q
A friend, and I'd like to keep it that way too so I'll go ahead and remain anonymous.
ReplyDeleteReally though Sarah, what I didn't mention before is that you are an amazing individual and it's really just a shame to see you getting so hurt and upset about things that really shouldn't and oftentimes don't have any *actual* personal connotations towards you, you know? You have a great life. I know that depression is a mental thing and that you can't help it, but what you can help is getting caught up in it. Being biologically 'sad' is completely different from letting that sadness effect the ways in which you communicate and interact with others, especially since you know it has a biological source and is not actually connected with what is going on in your life at the time.
Coming from someone who's bipolar and knows how it feels to have emotions you can't control, it sucks. I know it does. And it hurts more than anything when you think that you are freaking out about a situation and you can't tell if you are being "rational" about it or not. It sucks to feel like shit, super depressed about life and everything in it, and you don't know if it's because you legitimately have a reason to be sad or if your mind is just twisting everything so that it can make some sort of sense for the emotion you feel.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I love you, and I'm sorry I'm not around more. I know I don't know everything about you, and I know that I can't see the world the way you do, but know that I can understand your reasoning when you explain it, understand how hard it is to go through emotions you can't control, and I know how hard people are to deal with. I'm always here for you. Always remember that. You are one of those few people that I would actually be insanely sad if you were to be completely out of my life. You mean a lot to me and I know how hard it is to deal with depression. Just know that I'm here for you no matter what. Even if we haven't talked in months, I'm still here. You mean so much to me, remember that. There will always be at least one person thinking about you and hoping that you're making it out alright. =]
Krista
Krista,
ReplyDeleteI miss you. Can I come visit you on my Spring Break? Also, you mean so much to me too. It helps to know someone who has been through something simular and can grasp the concept that our emotions are not always for a reason. And, I'm also thinking about you and hoping that you're making in out alright too.
~Sarah
I'm trying at least but it's not easy. And yes, you can come see me for your spring break; I'd love to see you =]
ReplyDeleteI miss you,
Krista