If I actually wanted to put a status on my facebook right now, It's be:
Sarah Buterblog heard you make a joke about her while she was sleeping, because she was indeed in her apartment. So... Maybe I'll just go home cause I'll be sick or something over this, right? Lols...you are so funny. You call yourself a Christian, when all you are is a grudge holding meanie. Well stop poisoning my friends. I have apologized immensely for whatever it was that I did to make you hate me so much, and now I'm just starting to think I'm your blame-it all-on person. Grow up. And I must have been wrong about you - if you care way too much about what people think of you, you wouldn't be such an asshole, because it makes you look bad. But since you are, you must have been right about that one. Oh and !&* (name), I'm going to leave the judgmental grudge part to my Jesus, because I'm over it, yet again.
Doesn't writing just make you feel better?
Sincerely,
Sarah
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 22
Off to the Anonymous on my last post - I do have lots of friends that are here for me and I loves them very much. I just miss Meghan and Kirby terribly - its not that I think that they are my only friends, just ones that I miss and want to come home. I hope you understand. *Huggles*
And on to other things -
GO to the grocery store. BUY a Johnathon apple. EAT that apple. ENJOY.
(I really love those, and I'm not an apple person.)
Also, the gnhocci (sp?) at Trader Joes is really yummy.
As you can tell, I've started Weight Watchers again - yeah! I'm going to lose it all this time, so watch out, I'm crazy, I'm motivated, I'm supported, and I'm toting sweet-tasting apples, carrots with tahtziki, and baby spinach salad!!!!!! She's a triple threat!!!!!!!!!! :P Thought I'd point it out.
Okay, so I was going to write a story - I posted one on http://www.thefearfive.blogspot.com/ a few days ago and I have an idea for another story, however, it will have to be a "It's Coming" thing (no that's what she said's please) - I have class.
Sincerely,
Sarah
And on to other things -
GO to the grocery store. BUY a Johnathon apple. EAT that apple. ENJOY.
(I really love those, and I'm not an apple person.)
Also, the gnhocci (sp?) at Trader Joes is really yummy.
As you can tell, I've started Weight Watchers again - yeah! I'm going to lose it all this time, so watch out, I'm crazy, I'm motivated, I'm supported, and I'm toting sweet-tasting apples, carrots with tahtziki, and baby spinach salad!!!!!! She's a triple threat!!!!!!!!!! :P Thought I'd point it out.
Okay, so I was going to write a story - I posted one on http://www.thefearfive.blogspot.com/ a few days ago and I have an idea for another story, however, it will have to be a "It's Coming" thing (no that's what she said's please) - I have class.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 21 - Think Positive
I realized today that I am absolutely ridiculous a lot of the time. What happened to relying on myself? Being my own happiness? Have I poured too much of myself into my relationship? What is wrong with me?
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 20 SWINE (H1N1) FLU
This past week, there have been no posts, because I have been afflicted with the formidable flu, the intolerable influenza! So, it's probably not swine flu, since they are treated the same way, my doctor didn't care. I will say however that the flu this year is terrible - my temperature was over 102.9 and it persisted for 24 hours. Then I was sick and vomiting for another whole day.
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 19, Experiences
I've had a lot of enlightening experiences in the last twenty four hours.
I met a stranger online through Omegle. I don't know who he is, but I know who he was to me. We talked for several hours. He started out as a creeper and then it turned into a lovely conversation. He was lonely, but not in the traditional way. He was heart-broken. At the end of it all, we said goodbye and both paused. He said he loved me and logged off.
I haven't felt like someone knew me, knew how I was and felt, in such a very long time. He did. For that I'm thankful. Thank you Stranger. I'm going to eat some tortas for you.
A second thing - I talked to my mom for a lengthy time yesterday. My mom is my best friend. I know that's weird but she is what keeps me grounded in life. Without her I wouldn't be here - in so many ways. We talked about how I feel about my dropping grades, my father, selfishness, depression, and the need to get away. And love. We talked a lot about love. If you think that I tell you personal details from my life, you're wrong. My mom is the only one who truly hears the personal stuff, or well, most of it. This blog gets just a little sliverous fraction.
And on that note, I have class and I'm hungry.
Sincerely,
Sarah
I met a stranger online through Omegle. I don't know who he is, but I know who he was to me. We talked for several hours. He started out as a creeper and then it turned into a lovely conversation. He was lonely, but not in the traditional way. He was heart-broken. At the end of it all, we said goodbye and both paused. He said he loved me and logged off.
I haven't felt like someone knew me, knew how I was and felt, in such a very long time. He did. For that I'm thankful. Thank you Stranger. I'm going to eat some tortas for you.
A second thing - I talked to my mom for a lengthy time yesterday. My mom is my best friend. I know that's weird but she is what keeps me grounded in life. Without her I wouldn't be here - in so many ways. We talked about how I feel about my dropping grades, my father, selfishness, depression, and the need to get away. And love. We talked a lot about love. If you think that I tell you personal details from my life, you're wrong. My mom is the only one who truly hears the personal stuff, or well, most of it. This blog gets just a little sliverous fraction.
And on that note, I have class and I'm hungry.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day Whatever
You have Billy to thank that I unprivatized this. I totally forgot after some editing tweaks. I apologize.
So I want to enter this in a magazine publishing contest. Tell me if you think its worth my time. Its a poem modeled in the style of Allen Ginsberg's Howl. You should check that poem out first. It's several tens of pages long, but it has a rich history. You should consider it the start of the Beatniks. And if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to Wiki it. Like now. Ummkay....
Lost
For Allen Ginsberg and Myself
I saw the best minds of my generation squandered
in assignments, wasted exhausted burnt-out,
taxing themselves thru the dark tunnels of the mind
at dawn looking for a well-lit hope
caffeinated hungry work-a-holic angels yearning
for a connection to each other in the
lonely night of unrealized advancement
who learned to be the most learnt and competitive
who were driven so hard they drove themselves
into the ground into the bong of lost hope
who wasted themselves just to get wasted amongst
those who knew what it was like
to travel through the center of the universe
only to find themselves with coffee
and a doughnut and tears
who sat up late at night RuneScape or Surfthechannel
and longed for a purpose to bring them
through to the realm of having dreams
at an impasse with an entanglement to fate
who stood atop the bridge of time
and cast their coins into the pool
of swift moving eternity - hoping
it was a Treve fountain, to return
who were thinkin wishin hopin praying
that it would truly be nice but were
left at the beach by those false-teaching
boys with long hair and terse love
who traveled three hundred miles
at three in the morning searching
along the gravel highway of left-behind
ideas and loves for a tasty slice of
heavenly lemon pie
who sat on Facebook hoping to stop peering into
the same face while they read the next
dry textbook of overbearing data
spread across space and time
who left themselves in the womb dying to get out
but were too scared to burst forth
and live with no boundaries
surrounded with Berlin Walls of fear they
self-erect to keep them from the world
who tried true but can't carry on and instead bear
the cross for others with shattered hearts
and tattered beliefs left alone with
their books, gods, and truths
who relive bad memories war hate lust pain weddings
in the hallucinations that come to them
as the darkness lifts its curse
off the horizon
I saw the best minds of my generation
lost.
Sincerely,
Sarah
So I want to enter this in a magazine publishing contest. Tell me if you think its worth my time. Its a poem modeled in the style of Allen Ginsberg's Howl. You should check that poem out first. It's several tens of pages long, but it has a rich history. You should consider it the start of the Beatniks. And if you don't know what I'm talking about you need to Wiki it. Like now. Ummkay....
Lost
For Allen Ginsberg and Myself
I saw the best minds of my generation squandered
in assignments, wasted exhausted burnt-out,
taxing themselves thru the dark tunnels of the mind
at dawn looking for a well-lit hope
caffeinated hungry work-a-holic angels yearning
for a connection to each other in the
lonely night of unrealized advancement
who learned to be the most learnt and competitive
who were driven so hard they drove themselves
into the ground into the bong of lost hope
who wasted themselves just to get wasted amongst
those who knew what it was like
to travel through the center of the universe
only to find themselves with coffee
and a doughnut and tears
who sat up late at night RuneScape or Surfthechannel
and longed for a purpose to bring them
through to the realm of having dreams
at an impasse with an entanglement to fate
who stood atop the bridge of time
and cast their coins into the pool
of swift moving eternity - hoping
it was a Treve fountain, to return
who were thinkin wishin hopin praying
that it would truly be nice but were
left at the beach by those false-teaching
boys with long hair and terse love
who traveled three hundred miles
at three in the morning searching
along the gravel highway of left-behind
ideas and loves for a tasty slice of
heavenly lemon pie
who sat on Facebook hoping to stop peering into
the same face while they read the next
dry textbook of overbearing data
spread across space and time
who left themselves in the womb dying to get out
but were too scared to burst forth
and live with no boundaries
surrounded with Berlin Walls of fear they
self-erect to keep them from the world
who tried true but can't carry on and instead bear
the cross for others with shattered hearts
and tattered beliefs left alone with
their books, gods, and truths
who relive bad memories war hate lust pain weddings
in the hallucinations that come to them
as the darkness lifts its curse
off the horizon
I saw the best minds of my generation
lost.
Sincerely,
Sarah
The Sarah Project: Day 17 I Need to Know
This project is going along a little harder than I thought it would. I just had a conversation with someone, and it really hurt, mostly because parts of it were true. So I need to know:
Why am a such a hard person to get along with?
If cashew is out there, maybe you could tell me why. The why I never got. About my personality. I just want the truth.
Thanks,
Please don't hold back,
Sincerely,
Sarah
Why am a such a hard person to get along with?
If cashew is out there, maybe you could tell me why. The why I never got. About my personality. I just want the truth.
Thanks,
Please don't hold back,
Sincerely,
Sarah
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