TSP 39

I wrote another post  a week or so ago, but didn't post it. It was too emo.

Anyway, not much up with me lately. Thanks to my Secret Santa, I've added another tea to the collection. I like it a lot. It's a jasmine green tea. Yummy. I actually made a pot of water in my electric kettle, courtesy of my parents for my birthday, and had like 8 cups before bed :) .

I'm going home for break here pretty soon. I just need to clean my apartment and take care of some little things. All my Christmas shopping is done except for Doug and Casey E, which, well, I'll figure that out. And I need to do my laundry. C'est la vie. And mail two packages. See, I said little things, didn't I?

Well then, Goodbye,
Sarah

TSP 40

I didn't post this because I thought it was too personal, but that's what this is about isn't it? Charlie requested that I confide in him about what it was about, and I decided to post it after all.

Last Tuesday's Entry that I didn't Post:



I have pushed everyone in my life away. I am so effective at it that only five people remembered my birthday was yesterday - my boyfriend, my roommate, my mom, my sister, and my dad. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and I was so very successful. Funny how what we want is sometimes exactly opposite from what we do. I planned a team dinner for the NAMI walk - it was a fund-raiser thing. I invited 59 people thinking that even though they didn't know it was my birthday, some would show up, and I could be surrounded by people. 3 people showed up - my roommate, me, and my boyfriend. I was really hurt.

Do any of you know what its like to live with major depressive disorder?  I tell everyone that I do the walk for my sister. Ha. I do it for myself. I do it for every one of you that I can't tell that I have this horrible depression. I do it for every time that I run a self-inflicting harmful scenario with myself in my head, for every time that I didn't get enough sleep or I was so stressed that I would feel mentally and physically that killing myself would take it all away, for every moment that I want to enjoy myself doing things that I love and I just sit there wishing I was in bed. That's why I care so much about this. About helping those that have it. About telling them that they can live with it - so I know that I can too.

Ever since my freshman year of college when everything fell apart so drastically, when I hit rock bottom, over a year ago, I've been trying to climb myself out of this thing that I only wished that I could put a name on.I tried therapy and it helped, but it felt so pointless.  I am still trying to think myself out of it, by being positive. I try not to write about it in this blog. I try not to talk about it. Its like, if I don't say it, it won't be true. That is such terrible thinking.

I have so much to do. I need to finish these finals.

I do want to thank all of you that have been and are here for me. I appreciate all of you and my relationships with you. I'm really stressed and really tired and I'm writing out of a tired depressed place. Please don't think that I define myself this way. This is simply one truth that I myself must realize and cope with. I am completely capable of a normal life, of having friends. And I do. I have many of you. I'm also not on the verge of doing anything dumb, so don't worry about me that way either. I just needed to get this all out. To cry it out, so that I can move on and dedicate my thoughts to my tests on Thursday. So thank you for listening.

Goodnight,
Sarah

TSP 38

For I have felt your warm touch against my soft smooth skin. Your nose as it brushes past my ear when you lean in to hug me is a constant comfort to my ever-burdened head. The more I hate the things you do the more I love you for doing them. I could wait my entire life for the moments that you steal my hand to hold, that you brush my hair away from my face to stare into my eyes, that you let me fall asleep on your shoulder during a show. When you hold me between your arms I wish that time itself would stop and that I would never have to watch you leave. When time doesn't stop, I'm angry at the world for depriving us of any more seconds we could have spent together. You get frustrated with me, because it seems that I am never satisfied with the time you have. And it is true, I am frustrated that time itself does not yield longer to my will. And I get overly agitated at the little humorous things you say, because I have known the moments of quiet you have when you are content with me. Your humor, however, has mended my broken heart and shown me love which I have never before felt. In less time with you, I am more happy, more devoted, and more open about myself than I could have ever been in 100 years with someone else. To you I expose myself, like delicate film to whatever the environment has to give. My character develops slowly and intricately into a true form of my own unaffected by others I so fear with an anxiety of the expectations of social acceptance. I do not have to blend in for you, I can bloom as something no one else has ever seen. I treasure you, my best friend. I love you. The only thing in return I want is your happiness. Your love I hope to earn.  Goodnight. And sweet dreams.

TSP 37: Dreaming

It's about the time from me to actually write another decent entry into this social, mental, and emotional project that is my life. I've been to distracted lately from what I love by the obligations of school, which is really just my work, seeing as it pays $13,000 every year. Regardless, I'm taking a break. Right now, I am supposed to be writing an Annotated Bibliography on three scientific articles relating to Genetics. I have the articles. I cited them. Now I just have to read them, write the paper, and make it to class at 10:30 am. The last one this semester. I probably won't sleep at this point. I would like to reaffirm that my school tasks are NOT major points of who I am - except, well this one is about the relationship between altered genes and the instances of mental illness. Which is really cool, and applies to both myself and to my sister, my uncle, and well, you get the picture. But other than that, I'm not what Kirby Ann calls a "schoolie" - at least not at heart.

So what have I really been up to lately? I've been daydreaming, and dreaming dreaming of getting back into ceramics. I literally have three projects planned already, along with no wheel, no clay, no tools, and no kiln. It doesn't matter. When I'm sitting in Genetics or Organic Chemistry or, especially, Jazz Appreciation (none of which I have to sit through until next semester, Thank God!) I'm really in the studio. I've even decorated the studio itself in my mind. It is a light greenish blue, like Korean celadon, with a red vase on the windowsill containing a single orange (plain, not tiger) lily within it. There are photographs framed on the walls of things that I love, that keep me calm, that help me center my life. My Mom and Dad together in their jammies, the portrait I took this semester of my boyfriend, old past family pets. My Alaskan Malamute best friend is sitting in the corner on his pillow relaxing. I have a small stove in another corner - a tea kettle purrs softly on it as it begins to boil. My tea closet - literally an amour filled to the brink with hundreds of different types of tea, honey, and sweetener filling it, lies to the left of the stove. The whole place is calm. Maybe I'm burning some sandalwood, maybe I'm not. There is a small desk and a tall Queen-sized bed on upper level - it's a split level studio did I mention that? That room is blue - New Mexico sky blue. On the desk there is a copy of Emma, The Neurotics' Handbook, and some pencils. All the floors are hardwood. The upper level has a fireplace. There is no other soul in site but Annelia, my dog. No one bothers me, no one expects me to have pictures of my sister, no one asks questions I don't want to answer. There are no tissue boxes because they aren't needed. In the summer, I'll raku some of my pottery on the porch, in the winter I'll cuddle up to the fire with Annelia, Mr. Darcy, and coco. But for right now, I'm just making another tea kettle from stoneware on my wheel. I watch it as it turns round and round, and I'm content.

If I were to describe my actually life to you right now, or my apartment in the "we have finals" state that its in - it would pail in comparison to my studio loft. I would be inclined to tell you that not only am I tired, but my back aches so bad that it keeps me awake, that my migraines consume my thoughts, that my schoolwork is almost done but not quite which makes me inclined not to do it, that the stress gives me stomach aches, and that I sleep on a mattress/boxspring combo laid right on the floor. But more importantly I would tell you that in this world, I'm not calm, content, or happy. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm disappointed. And I keep making the exact same mistakes. I may be lucky, but if you think I'm smart - reconsider. In love, in friendship, in other relationships I fail miserably. So I'll retreat into my own mind and dream.

Which begs the question, if you have dreams, why do you have them, my listeners? Would it be better not to dream but to live those hopes and goals?

Sincerely,
Sarah

The Sarah Project: Day 36

We sometimes feel that we have been really understood, but it was always long ago, by someone now dead. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894

Music cleanses the understanding; inspires it, and lifts it into a realm which it would not reach if it were left to itself. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson

You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. ~C.S. Lewis

When the news reporter said "Shopkeepers are opening their doors bringing out blankets and cups of tea" I just smiled. It's like yes. That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. You've just been told you've got cancer? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? Tea dammit! And if it's really serious, they may bring out the coffee. The Americans have their alert raised to red, we break out the coffee. That's for situations more serious than this of course. Like another England penalty shoot-out. ~Jslayeruk, as posted on Metaquotes Livejournal, in response to the July 2005 London subway bombings

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown

I married beneath me - all women do. ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951

I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on. ~Billy Joel

I hate women because they always know where things are. ~Voltaire

The Sarah Project 35

I was going to write something insightful about music and something complaining about how tired, lonely, sad, and miserable I am during finals, but I'm too tired.

Thank you Charlie, for helping me with my project today. And thank you God, for giving me hands capable of writing that journal I procrastinated. It took 6 solid hours. Thank you to my teachers who have canceled class this week, or at least tried to teach me something this semester and kept it real all the time. Thank you everyone for putting up with me grumpy and whiny, I need you, I truly do.

Now, on to that project some more and my test tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Sarah

The Sarah Project: Day 34

Its Finals time. A time that seems most stressful out of the whole semester. As we struggle to finish assignments, do everything we procrastinated on up till this point, and study for Final tests, the student world can't enjoy the cold weather, Christmas spirit, good food, and holiday music. Classes are canceled as teachers struggle (5 of mine this week were canceled) to finish up before the holidays themselves.

Chaos ensues.

And let it. This is where I conquer!!!

And I'm turning 20.

So bring it on.

Sincerely,
Sarah

The Sarah Project: Day 32

"No, I genuinely love you."

The Sarah Project: # Whatever

Crying away the disappointment, rejection, and fear that comes with life.

Sarah