The Buterblog Is Being Reborn (TSP:48)

Hi There -

So its been awhile. Forgive me for not writing, I took a moment to grow up a bit on my own.

What am I up to now, you ask?

Well, I'm in Pharmacy School. I moved to Seattle. I've loved, lost, and found a new someone to hold hands with. I guess you could say I grew into my own skin.

Today I stopped believing in myself for a moment. You could say that I backslide and doubted my self-worth. We all doubt ourselves sometimes. I wasn't sure if moving, if Pharmacy school, if Seattle, was the right decision. I came to the conclusion that although I'm starting over - I'm not starting fresh. I have all my experiences, and all my friends in my corner. Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Don't look back unless you plan on going that way."

It takes a writer to put the obvious into words. I am not the same person I was a year ago, a week ago, a day ago.

So I'm committed to blogging for myself. You may read it; but let me be clear, this blog is my public diary. I will read and consider your comments. But my life is about how I feel, what I think, and how the world influences me. So if it angers you, frustrates you, confuses you - feel free to let me know.  Just don't expect me to always share your point of view. I guarantee if we both share enough, we'll disagree. So keep in mind that  there is a difference between constructive criticism and telling someone how to live. Be respectful, and you'll have all my love........ even when you're wrong.

So finally,  in the spirit of the Buterblog, a question - What helped you through a time of self-doubt?

Sincerely,
Sarah

**This is The Sarah Project (TSP): Post #48***

The Sarah Project was my initiative several years ago to write 365 blog posts about my road to self-discovery. Shamefully, I only made it to 47. In truth, I'm still discovering myself. I have decided to pick the project back up.(Wish me luck)

What do you want to do?

People ask...

What do you want to do?
And what will you do with that after graduation?
And why did you choose that?

They mean - how is what you are doing now going to get you where you want to be? How is it profiting you/why is it important?

I understand financial security. I understand making money for your future. I understand Roth IRAs and benefits and insurance. I understand the steps it takes to climb the corporate ladder and that we must become working members of society.

I don't understand how this is any measure of success.
I don't understand why I have to wait to do what I really want to do, until I don't have to worry about the things above. I will always have to keep those things in mind - but I don't have to focus on them. I think I can truly have it all - and my definition of that.

>>>>>>>> This is what I want to do. <<<<<<<<<<<

Embrace God
Take a Mediterranean Cruise
Master Chaos Theory
Study Ceramics in Japan
Write a Screenplay
Travel to More African Countries than My Father
Buy a House on the Beach
Bowl a Perfect 300
Build a Sand Castle on a Spanish Nude Beach
Become a Top French Chef
Design Costumes for Broadway
Market my Own Designer Shoes

Bring it on!

To Sink or Swim? But a Happy Birthday Nonetheless...

Hi.

Things are upside down right now. My grandmother passed away this past Thanksgiving, and her memorial is a few days before Christmas. If there is one thing that I'd ask Santa Claus for - it would be to go to her memorial service in Oklahoma. However, I have jury duty, and because I've postponed it once for school; it looks dismal that I'll legally be allowed to leave the state.

It's my 21st birthday today. I have gotten up at 2am to study for a 7:30am final, hung out with one of my best friends for an hour or so, slept for four or five hours, watched tv online, and put off studying for my final tomorrow. Which, I will promptly do after this post, at least that's what I've been telling myself. The importance of everything is so backwards. All I know is that I will make it through one day at a time and take life as it comes. I just don't know anything else.

There is one more problem. I love him, but things are class 5 white water rapids at the moment. We've been pattling in opposite directions and I'm pretty sure we flipped the raft. The question is if we can get back in. He says hes holding his hand out - I just don't know if I'm close enough to the raft anymore to grab hold. Although I want to. I just don't want to drown fighting the tide.  And I'm exhausted. Sometimes you do too much to keep your head above water, believeing you can't breath under it. But maybe, just maybe, you can breathe in water.

It's sink or swim, but in the mean time, I could use a drink. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Sarah