Off to the Anonymous on my last post - I do have lots of friends that are here for me and I loves them very much. I just miss Meghan and Kirby terribly - its not that I think that they are my only friends, just ones that I miss and want to come home. I hope you understand. *Huggles*
And on to other things -
GO to the grocery store. BUY a Johnathon apple. EAT that apple. ENJOY.
(I really love those, and I'm not an apple person.)
Also, the gnhocci (sp?) at Trader Joes is really yummy.
As you can tell, I've started Weight Watchers again - yeah! I'm going to lose it all this time, so watch out, I'm crazy, I'm motivated, I'm supported, and I'm toting sweet-tasting apples, carrots with tahtziki, and baby spinach salad!!!!!! She's a triple threat!!!!!!!!!! :P Thought I'd point it out.
Okay, so I was going to write a story - I posted one on http://www.thefearfive.blogspot.com/ a few days ago and I have an idea for another story, however, it will have to be a "It's Coming" thing (no that's what she said's please) - I have class.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 21 - Think Positive
I realized today that I am absolutely ridiculous a lot of the time. What happened to relying on myself? Being my own happiness? Have I poured too much of myself into my relationship? What is wrong with me?
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Love is a drug. I love him, but does that mean I shouldn't be able to live without him? I can, I still believe, no, I know that I can - but I don't want too.
I have been broken lots of times - but I now believe that I did this to myself. I let myself believe, at least for relationships after the first one, that I could not live without them. I think this is a product of the fact that I had so many barriers for the first guy. He had to tear them down, one by one. Then, when I was fully exposed he said that he didn't love me anymore. That it wasn't working. I found out later that it was never meant to work out - he saw it at, least much earlier than it ended, - as ending as a high school thing. This is okay. I'm okay now, and I actually believe that I am a much better person for it. I used to think that I knew who I was. After moving around so long, I got stuck in this coma. He took me out of it. He made me realise that I put myself, I put knowing myself, last. I was the glue and after several different occurences, as well as the loss of all those walls, that I really wasn't the glue. Or at least, I didn't have to be. So at least I knew that I never did know who I was. Finding it - now that's been harder. However, after that first guy, the next one was well, not my best attempt at a relationship. I choked him. (Not literally) However, I attached myself to him hopeing that I could make part of myself instead of finding it. While I put up too many walls for the first guy, I didn't have walls with the second guy. I saw him as something that he wasn't. I saw him how I wanted to. For that, I'm sorry. Now, for the current guy, its more of a lets see thing. There are walls, or were, and he knows me, or at least the me I'm trying to find. I trust him. I'm really scared to do it, and maybe I haven't done it completely, but I trust him. Not blindly, I just do. The thing is though, its harder to find yourself when you fall in love with someone - the honest kind, not the Im-trying-to-make-myself-into-what-you want kind or the lust kind of falling in love. So I guess I'm scared, what if I never find myself? Of what if I forget to live my life while we're together, and I have to rebuild one if/when he's no longer here. Then again, I'm thinking about all of this, so of course I won't let it happen.
Kirby, Meghan, you two need to come home. I need my friends back.
Then again, I'm probably overthinking all of this. What I should be thinking is - what am I going to study? what do I enjoy doing? How can I support myself? What is making me happy? And just live my life, instead of analizing it. Not get too upset when people have to leave and I get to hang out with myself, but be happy that there are people in my life. Think positive. ... all of the time.
So,
Think Positive.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. My apologies for the blog being an angsty rant.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Sarah Project: Day 20 SWINE (H1N1) FLU
This past week, there have been no posts, because I have been afflicted with the formidable flu, the intolerable influenza! So, it's probably not swine flu, since they are treated the same way, my doctor didn't care. I will say however that the flu this year is terrible - my temperature was over 102.9 and it persisted for 24 hours. Then I was sick and vomiting for another whole day.
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
My mother came through for me again. She stayed up with me when I had the temperature and couldn't sleep, and put up with my crys and moans over the muscle aches and stomach stuffs. I'm so glad that I live so close to home that my mom can come to my rescue and take me to the doctor's and give me meds and chicken noodle soup.
On a side note, what do vegitarians have when they get sick? Really? They can't have chicken noodle soup, and veggie-based soups just don't do the job. Idk. Maybe vegitarians never get sick because of all the green vegtables they eat. Could I get some feedback on this?
Also, on happier notes, or not so happy ones, idk - school is formidable - I realized today that with my double major and honors, I'm going to need almost 180 credit hours to graduate with what I want...that's errmmmm...overkill? So it's time for me to do some rethinking and soul-searching. I am out of time.
Toodle-Loo,
Sarah
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